Heaven and Hell

  • What broke the deal?

    A photo of Oliver North, wildly untamed pubic hair, a guy who kept pronouncing "phallic" as "fay-lic" ... and other discoveries that ended the date.
    October 15, 2003

  • Dating deal breakers revealed!

    Dentures, skid marks, knit ties and other things to avoid if you want to hook up.
    October 8, 2003

  • Dating deal breakers

    "Would you like to hear some of my poetry?" And other things you shouldn't say if you want to score.
    October 1, 2003

  • Sure, you can play Kenny G. Just don't ever call me again

    You've done it to someone. And somebody's done it to you. It's the deal breaker, and it's the pettiest way to weed people out.
    By Michael Kessler September 24, 2003

  • Dearjohn.com

    The night before El Wimpo broke up with me by e-mail, we were steaming up the bedroom windows with our passion.
    September 17, 2003

  • Mixed signals

    "If you lay a hand on me," she said,"I'll break every bone in it." Then she told me to lick the tuna fish off her finger.
    September 10, 2003

  • Laying Las Vegas

    He's a bad boy, a croupier. I'm a bad girl: I've done threesomes, I've done videotapes, and I did another guy last night. We should be the perfect couple.
    September 3, 2003

  • My bigoted valentine

    He was a good-looking pilot and he wanted to fly me to romantic places. Then he began ranting about gays, peaceniks and "p.c. girls."
    August 27, 2003

  • He had me at "allo"

    My Ukrainian composer spoke no English, had carpetlike back hair, and smelled vaguely of cooked cabbage. What's not to love?
    August 20, 2003

  • "Are you desperate yet?"

    That was his opening line. And I still went home with him on our first date.
    August 13, 2003

  • The ultimate mood kill

    As he made his way down to my belly, I felt something strange on my left breast.
    July 30, 2003

  • The plan that backfired

    I wanted her to loosen up, so I got her drunk. And it was working too -- we talked dirty, we made out. And then the inevitable happened.
    July 23, 2003

  • Paradise in the parking lot, Part 2

    The cad speaks! Will last week's villain emerge as this week's hero?
    July 16, 2003

  • Paradise in the parking lot

    I called him from my cell right after he dropped me off. "I'm masturbating," he said. I'd found my true love.
    July 9, 2003

  • The curse of underwear ignorance

    Encountering my thong, he yelped, "Your underwear doesn't cover your butt!" Right then, I knew my dream of great sex would not come true.
    July 2, 2003

  • How do you compete with a man named Enrique?

    I could play Radiohead on the guitar. He spoke fluent Spanish. Guess who got the girl.
    June 25, 2003

  • To tell or not to tell

    If you realize that you've already hooked up with your blind date's friend -- in your blind date's apartment, no less -- do you 'fess up?
    June 18, 2003

  • No room for love

    That's what we told each other. Two nights later, with the A.C. on full-blast, we were voraciously coupling in every way imaginable.
    June 11, 2003

  • twotimingpunk.com

    We jumped straight into serious rutting, the kind that makes you forget your own name. And sometimes, your judgment.
    June 5, 2003

  • Homecoming from hell -- with handcuffs

    It was 1979. I was a long-haired Robert Plant wannabe; she was a wrong-side-of-the-tracks brunette with hippie sensibilities. All I wanted to do was score.
    May 28, 2003

  • A mouthful of hair

    She was blond, cute, smart and interested. So what went wrong?
    May 21, 2003

  • Teenage wasteland

    We talked for a minimum of 10 hours a day, every day, for years. He was still a virgin when we finally met.
    May 14, 2003

  • Staying pure

    She was beautiful, sexy and intelligent. Perfect, really, except for that whole cult thing.
    May 7, 2003

  • A special Match Made in (the 9th circle of) Hell

    On orders from my shrink, I posted a personal ad. Now I really need therapy.
    By Stephen F. Milioti April 30, 2003

  • I should have told him I was a dyke

    I was a gay woman, he was a gay man. We tried. We really, really tried.
    April 23, 2003
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