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We don't need to round up a few Bush-era criminals to settle political scores. We just need some truth, and then we need good train service.
By Garrison Keillor
April 29, 2009
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Since when is farting on a sandwich a felony? People have been grossing each other out for centuries and it's no time to stop now.
By Garrison Keillor
April 22, 2009
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The real message of Poetry Month has nothing to do with rereading Eliot or Wordsworth. It's all about winning the favor of women.
By Garrison Keillor
April 15, 2009
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In spring, a person's thoughts turn toward what you would rather be doing than earning a living, and in this country that means Being An Artist.
By Garrison Keillor
March 25, 2009
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When I resigned from the board, right after my bonus was approved, there were hugs all around and cries of "We're leaving too!"
By Garrison Keillor
March 18, 2009
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In my line of work, forgetting words should qualify me for a fat pension. You know who else ought to get one? Clueless Republicans paying homage to Rush.
By Garrison Keillor
March 11, 2009
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You are left disinherited, unarmed, semi-literate, an exile. There is one less person to remember your childhood with.
By Garrison Keillor
March 4, 2009
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In my day, if the 45-pound icicles didn't get you, the coyotes would.
By Garrison Keillor
February 25, 2009
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A bit of advice: Stay off the obituary page as long as possible. There's no telling what they'll write about you.
By Garrison Keillor
February 18, 2009
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It's time for Washington's ex-celebrities to diversify. I'm seeing Rush making action movies, and Ann Coulter single-handedly reviving female pro wrestling.
By Garrison Keillor
February 11, 2009
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Getting a note of appreciation from John Updike could buoy you up for weeks. Now who's left to bless us?
By Garrison Keillor
February 4, 2009
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Never mind the last eight painful years. We see the new, fresh faces in Washington and we expect them to do the right thing and serve the common good.
By Garrison Keillor
January 28, 2009
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Six-block lines, Arctic weather, packed trains -- none of it mattered. We can believe in our country again.
By Garrison Keillor
January 21, 2009
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What readers really want is dastardly deeds by dark, despicable men, or saucy wenches with pert breasts displayed like fresh fruit on a platter.
By Garrison Keillor
January 14, 2009
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As the Current Occupant imagines his legacy emerging golden and shining in a hundred years after all of us are deceased, you and I go on.
By Garrison Keillor
January 7, 2009
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When you don't understand the language, it's easier to find the dumb childlike wonder that's the essence of the season.
By Garrison Keillor
December 24, 2008
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It would be easy to miss those seven simple words next to the flush button in the airliner bathroom. Pay attention, or ruin your life!
By Garrison Keillor
December 17, 2008
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Christmas is all about pleasure, food, bright lights, high spirits, glittering trinkets, razzmatazz. It's pure Broadway.
By Garrison Keillor
December 10, 2008
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Midwesterners usually go south to misbehave, not to the handicapped stall in a Minneapolis men's room at halftime.
By Garrison Keillor
December 3, 2008
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With column revenues down, I must make some hard choices. I will now spend 15 minutes writing these 750 words. Thank you for your patience.
By Garrison Keillor
November 26, 2008
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Winter is what we were meant for. Even we older guys in heart-attack country attack the snowdrifts for the sheer heroism of it.
By Garrison Keillor
November 19, 2008
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We are being admired by Swedes! We don't have to pretend we're Canadians. We elected Barack Obama!
By Garrison Keillor
November 12, 2008
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A toast to the Obamas as they enjoy a brief, golden moment before beginning the grueling
business of disappointing their followers, astonishing their enemies and doing what is right for our country.
By Garrison Keillor
November 5, 2008
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The thought of replacing the Current Occupant with the Angry Old Man of the Desert and Whoopee the Ice Queen is miserable in the extreme.
By Garrison Keillor
October 29, 2008
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The citizens of Abilene, Texas, voted overwhelmingly to reelect Bush in '04. We've all done dumb things.
By Garrison Keillor
October 22, 2008
Let war crimes be bygones
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