Dennis Kucinich starts a blog

Dennis Kucinich is a decent, honest man, and he believes that to lie to oneself is the gravest sin a soul can commit. That's why when he asks himself the toughest question he can think of -- "Dennis, honestly, did any good come out of your campaign for the presidency?" -- he replies with candor: "No, old fellow, not a bit a good came of it." This is what one learns, at least, from Kucinich's new blog, a curious, casual thing the congressman has put up in an effort, he writes, to show America his personal side.

As Kucinich points out, in recent years it has been bloggers, more than fringe presidential candidates, who've become the leading voices calling for a new direction in this country. Bloggers "sold themselves to the people on the Web, and thanks to that they managed to effect actual political change," Kucinich writes in one of his early posts. "Markos of Daily Kos was even invited to the Democrats' convention, which is more than I can say for myself!"

It's a grand experiment -- and indeed, we predict, it will become a sensation, leading the congressman to the very doorstep of the White House. Over the next four years, Kucinich's blog, full of wry observations on American culture and lovably corny meditations on his life as a bachelor, will win over even the most reactionary Americans -- you may well be skeptical of the congressman's plans to create a Cabinet-level Department of Peace, but how can you resist a man who describes his troubles with household ants in such blindly philosophical terms as these: "You'd suppose that I'd be able to ignore these tiny creatures, but you'd be wrong: A man's heart is not settled when his land's been violated. How can I ponder the finer points of democracy when I've been usurped in my own home? As I've said a million times before, freedom does not flourish under occupation."

Or read his thoughts on TV: "There is nothing more to say than this: South Park's season finale Christmas special, which I just caught on TiVo, is a work of genius. Can any more be said? ... No writing could justify the brilliance. Folks, trust me on this: Watch this show. You'll thank me for it."

Such a blog is not the work of any mere politician. In time Americans will come to recognize it as the voice of a knowing, confident and exceedingly wise observer of the American political and cultural landscape -- one we'd do well to elect as our leader.

Electronic Arts outsources staff, silencing critics

Tired of being lambasted for working employees seven days a week, Electronic Arts hires a "senior vice president of global sourcing" and outsources all programming, design and art for its games to India, China, Malaysia and the Philippines.

"We realized our market is global, so why not put these jobs in places where people are grateful for the opportunity to have them?" the company says in the press release announcing the initiative, which sends its stock price up $11 a share.

One of the most vocal critics of the company's labor practices, the woman known only as EA Spouse, is not available for comment at press time; she's too busy working three jobs to support herself and her laid-off fiancé.

The iPod -- so 2004

Tech industry analysts are taken aback by a sudden, precipitous drop in sales of the once mega-popular iPod, but people in the entertainment world -- all too familiar with the volatile winds of cool -- know instantly why the shiny white player so quickly fell out of favor with the public: overexposure. When the iPod was new, seeing a fellow podder pass you on the street -- his eyes vacant and his ears tricked out in white molded plastic -- was a pleasant, comforting thing. You felt an instant bond with this like-minded traveler in music, warm in the knowledge that you were both of a select class of early-adopting aficionados who knew the value of good design, of good sound, of living well. You drove a Mini, you bought your arugula salad at Whole Foods, and you played Philip Glass on your iPod: This is who you were, and they weren't going to take it away from you.

But then came the masses to crash the iPod club. Apple sold itself to the Windows millions and opened an online store to hawk the shallowest pop -- when the company began calling on John Mayer to shill for it, the writing was on the wall. Pretty soon everywhere you looked you saw those white headphones, and now, instead of a smiling solidarity, you were annoyed. These people weren't iPod worthy. And the worst thing was the fear that others, others perhaps cooler than you, were thinking the same thing about you when you ventured out in your white headphones -- that you were a newbie to the iPod movement, that you too had just jumped on the bandwagon.

And so, like that, slowly in 2005 all the beautiful people stash away their iPods and move on to something else. Even Apple's CEO Steve Jobs, ever mindful of what's hip, comes to see that his iPod is bringing him down. In time we all drop our pods; the player lives on only in VH1 specials commemorating the crazy fads of yesteryear, like mood rings or snap bracelets or the Spice Girls. In a few years' time we'll look back on old pictures of all those white-headphoned folks and chuckle, "What were we thinking?"

Dick Cheney apologizes on the Sorry Everybody site

While keeping tabs on traitorous blue-staters, Vice President Dick Cheney stumbles on Sorry Everybody, and has a change of heart. He's so moved by the thousands of apologies from his fellow Americans to the rest of the world that he's inspired to post his own.

In a blurry digital picture, his plaintive mug peers out above an endearing handwritten note, which reads: "I am sorry I scared Americans into electing -- I mean reelecting -- us by fear-mongering about terrorists using nukes to take out shopping malls. And I feel really bad that we invaded the wrong country. I am really, really sorry."

The fallout from the unexpected apology causes friction with President Bush, who really isn't sorry for anything he has done. Cheney resigns, and uses all the money he made at Halliburton over the years to start a foundation to rebuild civil society in Iraq, investing millions in schools, education and healthcare.

Political bloggers flee to Canada -- online

Wonkette, DailyKos and Atrios lead the charge for blue Americans to secede from the Union, and join forces with their northern neighbor, by moving their Web addresses to .ca domains.

Burned out on reading about politics post-election, no one back in the United States notices until 2006.

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