Swimming with the online card sharks

When I play poker I think about my last girlfriend. Her name was Wilhelmina and she was a bitch. But she released certain chemicals in my brain that felt a lot like folding on a 5-8 suited only to see two 5's and an 8 follow the dead hand. She made me feel the way a nice girl never could, like a loser with a chance.

I call my friend Laura in Vancouver. I confess to her that I've been playing poker online in my apartment for a week. She says that sounds like a bad idea. I tell her actually I won $1,000. She asks me if I'm going to quit. I tell her I intend to. Of course, nobody can see into tomorrow, but I did cash out. Laura worries maybe they won't send me my check. (They do, two weeks later.) Her consumer confidence is low. Seems to be a lot of holes in the chain, places to fall through. But I figure the casino is already making 5 percent on every dollar that's bet, and I must have bet at least $20,000 together, so they've already made their $1,000 off of me.

In poker the casino is just a middleman, like a credit card, getting in the middle of a transaction, taking a cut and giving nothing back in return. You never beat the casino. Like stockbrokers, the casino gets paid no matter what, win or lose. The $1,000 I took came from real people. And I don't know if they are rich or poor or what their story is. I don't know if they can afford it, if they're guys or girls, or if they've ever looked straight into the sun. In fact, the 5 percent we all pay the casino is the only thing any of us have in common for certain.

Worse still, while winning, I realized all the ways a person could cheat playing online. Two people could play together while on the phone, doubling each other's raises, eliminating cards from play, not a huge advantage but enough to tip the scales. Also, if your connection is severed, you automatically go "all in," which allows you to play your cards and potentially win, without having to match a bet that your cards don't justify. Sometimes pulling the plug is the right thing to do. Still, there're so many suckers in cyberspace, they counterbalance the pros.

In 2000, Harrah's Entertainment took in $3 billion. All of that without ever producing a product. Maybe if there were no casinos the world would be a better place. But what's the alternative? Everybody wants to find a way out of the day wage. If asked, I would vote that gambling be illegal everywhere except Vegas. But I wasn't asked, so of course, I have to get mine too.

The rules of the game

"In a bet there is a fool and a thief."

-- Unknown

Here's all I have for you if you do decide to go online.
1) Don't, it's a bad idea. I didn't get a thing done last week. Deadlines passed, phone calls went unreturned, my life fell apart.
2) If you think you're in a room with good players, leave the room.
3) Always stay in with a pair in the hole, even 2's: Take it to Fourth Street [the fourth flop card] no matter what the cost.
4) Don't do it, it's not worth the risk, there are six losers for every four winners, somebody has to lose for the house, the odds are against you.
5) Sit to the left of the chaser, the guy throwing money after every card; this will enable you to pick up double bets on your good hands.
6) Fold when you don't have it.
7) Don't drink and play; I know I said that earlier but it's important. Not a single beer.
8) The dealer seat is worth extra; if nobody has bet yet and you're the dealer, you bet.

"The track takes 15 percent, but what's 15 percent of a dream?"

-- Charles Bukowski

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