Saturday, Sep 6, 2008
Cowhide computers, Russians in Redmond and other tech possibilities for the new year.
Jan 4, 2000 | Technology has permeated most every aspect of our lives -- but the engineers and entrepreneurs who've introduced us to such innovative masterpieces as robotic dogs and Bob are tireless. Looking forward to a new year that will surely bring further evidence of their ceaseless creativity, we hereby salute some great ideas for the future.
Computer couture
As we leave the gray depths of the 20th century for the Bondi Blue sky of a radiant future, we'll be thinking really different. Look for beige computer boxes to be replaced by a rainbow of colors, as computer manufacturers partner with candy and cereal makers. Don't be surprised when Dell starts a Froot Loops line and Emachines, furiously looking for the Gen-Y angle, starts selling a Pentium III-powered Starburst line. Big Blue, of course, will launch a new line of ThinkPads in five tangy flavors: blueberry, blueberry, blueberry, blueberry and, yes, blueberry.
But don't think colors will be enough for true fashionistas. Gateway will abandon plans for a line of laptops decorated with its trademark Holstein splotches, opting instead for genuine cowhide coverings. But it will be the Be operating system that really comes into its own. BeOS creator Jean-Louis Gassie will team with fellow Frenchman Jean Paul Gaultier on a new BeOS-powered machine decorated with superfluous and scary-looking belts and buckles.
'Cuz pets can't drive
Inspired by that hand-puppet pooch singing "Spinning Wheel" on TV, e-commerce entrepreneurs will unleash a pack of pet portals across the Web. By late spring we'll be reading of violence spawned by the 25 new pet-supply sites: pet portal representatives will come to blows in public parks as they vie to pass out their branded pooper-scoopers. But the market will cheer on this competitive spirit and by mid-summer pet-portal stocks will incite a new Wall Street frenzy, with PetPooch.com making quick work of the VA Linux IPO to become the greatest first-day gainer in public offering history. Its record will last for no more than a week, however, before Biped-Pets.com hits the NASDAQ and rises 1,200 percent on its opening day. By October that record will have been successively laid to rest by Pettrific.com, Iguanas-and-piranhas.com and Petrified.com, while the massive traffic generated by the launch of CelebrityPets.com will slow the Net enough to disrupt day trading. Of course, those in the know will keep up with all this bitingly important activity by reading the Petly News.
Berlinification of Redmond
Microsoft will fail to reach a settlement with federal regulators and, boy, will Bill Gates regret it. Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson will not only break up Microsoft, but will install a military government in Redmond. Following high level negotiations at the World Trade Organization, Microsoft's campus will be "Berlinified," with British, French, Russian and American soldiers governing four occupied zones. Thanks to Madeleine Albright's careful diplomacy, the United States will wind up with control of the applications group, while the Russians will be stuck with the aging, soot-stained factories of the operating systems unit.
And what about Bill? Using a fraction of his stratospheric wealth, he will lure a few biogeneticists from Monsanto and put them to work creating bug-resistant clones of himself. (The future Microsoft leaders are an incredibly tough strain -- although they might suffer a chemical meltdown when ingesting pesticide-producing Monsanto potatoes.) Gates then retires and finally makes peace with Netscape founder Jim Clark. The two undertake a round-the-world voyage on Hyperion, Clark's ultra-computerized yacht, and head for Argentina, which Gates will have bought in a private transaction for an undisclosed sum; the tech duo are reportedly at work on a stand-up routine when they are lost at sea after a computer glitch sinks the 155-foot sailboat.
Get Salon in your mailbox!