Ask the pilot

Tom Ridge Airport? Isn't that just asking for trouble?

By Patrick Smith

Jul 14, 2004 | "Let me throw another wrench into the discussion," writes Sherry Wallace from the management office of Springfield-Branson Regional Airport, in the heart of the Ozarks. "We've got U.S. Customs and a Port of Entry trade zone, but we do not call ourselves 'International.'"

Wallace is picking up from the recent outings of "international" airports of dubious merit. Her airport meets the official criterion, such as it is, but opts for the homey simplicity of "Regional." I promised Wallace I wouldn't make any cracks about Branson itself, but the choice of moniker is appreciated. Appropriately humble and unpretentious. People like that.

On the other hand, let's pay another visit to Maine. Those tuning in last week learned that Bangor International is in fact a semi-frequent stopover point for transatlantic charters and thus entitled to a degree of haughtiness. But a drive down 95 brings us to the more flamboyantly named Portland International Jetport. Seems a bit insecure, and exclusionary. Turboprops are people too, and a staple of Portland's traffic.

Still, "Jetport" has some flair, and I welcome any tweak on the usual fill-in-the-blank formula. What could be more boring than another Anyplace International Airport? I was deeply disappointed when the new airport in Hong Kong dispensed with its initial name -- taken from the reclaimed island on which the site was built -- and became, yawn, Hong Kong International Airport.

Then again, try to say "Chek Lap Kok" five times fast without stammering.

In Phoenix we discover a whole new twist: Phoenix Sky Harbor International. I'm quite enamored of that name, much as I'm taken by the irony of a harbor of any kind amid the parched Southwestern landscape. So as not to confuse, the full legal title is Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport.

Speaking of ironies, I recently learned that Erie, Penn., is home to Tom Ridge Field, so called in honor of the former state governor turned Homeland Security führer. If I remember right, one of Secretary Ridge's air safety initiatives was asking that Qantas passengers refrain from "gathering in groups" aboard flights from Australia to California (a move that a Qantas spokesperson branded "a little hard to handle"). Moreover, is it just me or is there something needlessly provocative about naming an airport in honor of a man with an active hand in national security? If I were running things in Erie, I'd be changing those welcome signs faster than the folks at Chevron were slapping paint over the Condoleezza Rice, their 136,000-ton oil tanker, dutifully re-christened the Altair Voyager when certain conflicts of interest became, shall we say, thicker than a barrel of crude.

Doubtless there are those who'll submit that Tom Ridge Field was brought to us by same conspiracy that, in 1997, changed Houston's airport, known for years as Houston Intercontinental, to George Bush Intercontinental. This happened around the same time that Washington-National was re-dubbed in honor of Ronald Reagan, whose legacy includes the controversial firing of thousands of striking air traffic controllers in 1981.

Why stop there: Earlier this summer, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., introduced a bill to rename the Pentagon the Ronald Reagan National Defense Building.

Don't forget, Newark is now called Liberty International, and perhaps it's but a matter of time before the rest of our public spaces are co-opted by our fearless leaders and their gibberish propaganda: Welcome everybody to Freedom and Democracy Airport Under God. The only thing worse, maybe, would be the auctioning of stadium-style corporate sponsorships. Boston-Logan becomes Dunkin Donuts International; Detroit becomes General Motors Field.

As an aside, and since we're in the area, let me throw something out there: In late May, Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) commenced twice-weekly Boeing 777 flights between Karachi, Pakistan, and... Houston. This strikes me as a perplexing choice of destinations for an East Asian carrier whose only other U.S. gateway is New York. Strange enough, but PIA will cross paths at George Bush Intercontinental with none other than Saudi Arabian Airlines. The Saudis fly only weekly freighters, but the idea of these two airlines, government-owned carriers of nations with a decidedly important role in the geopolitical scene, flying to the heart of Bushland is, if nothing else, curious.

Too much coffee this morning. Besides, I'm sure there are plenty of airports named after Democrats and their various ideals of treason and depravity.

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