2003 Travel Deal of the Year Award:
Malaysia Airlines

Extended through 2004, the remarkable AccessAsia Pass allows unlimited 30-day travel to any or all of 24 Southeast Asian destinations. Backtrack through Malaysia's gleaming new Kuala Lumpur hub as many times as you want. Valid from Newark or Los Angeles, the deal also allows for Taipei or Dubai stopovers. Base fare: $999.

2003 Get Over It Award:
Tom Ridge, Minister (sorry, Secretary) of Homeland Security

Ridge can share laurels with his minions at the TSA (Transportation Security Administration), who in their most recent manifestation of idiocy have asked representatives of Qantas, the airline of Australia, to dissuade passengers from "gathering in groups" during flights to the United States. A Sydney-LAX nonstop is a 14-hour run, and it's something of a long-haul tradition for fliers to hang out and chat during the ride. Imagine some mean-looking Aussie purser walking down the aisle going, "OK, folks, break it up. Nothing to see here; move it along." A Qantas spokesman calls the request "a little hard to handle."

In February, Singapore Airlines will launch 18-hour nonstops, longest in existence, between Singapore and Los Angeles. Cabins on these trips will be outfitted with designated zones "for passengers to socialize and stretch their legs." No word if Ridge and the TSA are demanding those areas be cordoned off with police tape.

2003 Missed Your Calling Award

This one goes to young Nathaniel Heatwole, the would-be social protester who proved, finally and above all doubt, that yes, it's possible to sneak harmless objects past security screeners.

2003 Capitulation to the Inevitable Award:
America West Airlines

The Arizona-based carrier announced it will begin selling advertising space on in-seat tray tables. Rumors claim other proposals included seat-belt rentals, and a first-ever Adopt-a-Pilot program.

Overhead bins seem the more deserving spot, and I wonder if those who devised this awful scheme are prepared for the obvious: vandalism. A tray-table pitch, already a defacement in the minds of some, is begging to be marked, scratched, and otherwise taken to task. AW can expect to be scrubbing mustaches, middle fingers and swastikas from their interiors.

2003 Only in America Award:
Hooters Air

You've already read my Hooters Air column and saw my Hooters Air jokes, so I'll keep this short. Having leased two additional Boeing 757s, the airline has now, um, if you'll pardon the innuendo, doubled in size.

2003 Almost a Great Idea Award:
A&E Television Network

"Airline" is the show. The debut was the first week of '04, but the hype was well underway in '03. I have not seen an episode, but it'd be irresponsible of me not to shoot my mouth off anyway.

"We all have our baggage" is the tag, and to show everyone exactly what that baggage is, A&E's cameras will follow Southwest Airlines 737s through their natural habitats, documenting the tribulations of passengers and crew. The premise is a great one (even as it's borrowed from a similar program aired in the U.K.), but something about the execution disappoints me. If the producers are intending to throw some intriguing spin on flying, they've missed the mark. No offense to Southwest, but this is an airline whose planes don't venture beyond U.S. airspace. Stories from a 747 crossing the Pacific are bound to be more compelling than spring-breakers shouting at a gate agents. And don't you think Shanghai or Rio or Istanbul would make a more exciting backdrop than Chicago Midway? Tune in to watch Southwest employees "interact with a gaggle of harried executives, howling children, inebriated adults," just in case you weren't absolutely sure air travel was a miserable experience to be avoided at all costs.

In case you are inspired, A&E shamelessly reminds us: "America's fourth largest carrier, Southwest Airlines originated the concept of low-cost, no frills travel [wrong] and carries 65 million passengers every year." How much of "Airline" is reality show versus infomercial remains to be seen. Unable to afford cable I probably won't be watching, but trust me, I've seen all the stories.

Looking Back at Next Year: Remembering 2004

  • Free on parole, Nathaniel Heatwole is arrested in St. Louis after smuggling a fork and butter knife from an airplane, backward through security, and into the parking lot. "With all this talk of sneaking aboard with weapons," he tells TSA interrogators, "I wanted to show the world how easy it is to take things off airplanes." Heatwole's stunt touches off rounds of nauseatingly avant-garde civil disobedience around the country.

  • Tom Ridge and the TSA announce "Code Double Purple" after six passengers are caught discussing politics near the aft galley of Qantas flight bound for Los Angeles. U.S. Navy fighters destroy the inbound 747 with a pair of air-to-air missiles, just in case.

  • "We All Have Our Breakfast": After A&E's "Airline" is summarily canceled, 50 million people tune in to watch the premiere of the network's new series, "Watch the Pilot." Cameras follow erstwhile airline pilot and bestselling author Patrick Smith through his daily routines in Somerville, Mass. Viewers get to see Patrick "argue with the mailman, work on his column," and in one especially riveting sequence, "ride his mountain bike to Davis Square."

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