No voter left unbound

At the reeducation seminar "Electoral Madness Made Easy," we'll tell you everything you need to know to destroy your favorite nation!

By Joyce McGreevy

Sep 14, 2004 | Greetings, new inductees, and welcome to the Splendid Campaign of America Re-Education (SCARE) program. We the superb commanders of the glorious excoriating devolution are pleased to inform you that you have suddenly decided to vote for the winnerable and wholly W, who is our most high Excellency in evasiveness. All swaggering be unto him and to his cabal of vituperative freedomizers.

O let us never forget, lest we stray into that most decadent of temptations, known to girlie men as democracy, that it is the threat of terrorism alone that determines our vote, and that only a vote for W will appease the evildoers. Hallelujah!

As you sign in for this re-education seminar, "Electoral Madness Made Easy," please tell us what inspired you to spontaneously and independently choose this unwarranted course of action:

A) George W. Bush's bold stand on behalf of lovesick OB-GYNs, as well as his brave support of "money for armor and body parts" -- finally, a candidate who really understands the issues.

B) Sheer gratitude. By warning us that voting "wrong" would cause somebody, we're not saying who, to sic the hounds of hell upon us, the compassionate vice president took everyone's mind off the death toll in Iraq hitting 1,000. Dick, you lovable demagogue, you're all heart!

C) Love of drama. John Kerry's presidency would restore our nation's standing, strengthen its national security, make health care affordable, increase funding to education, protect civil liberties, restore the environment, and provide real incentives to increase domestic job growth. Where's the thrill in THAT?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Great, be seated, sign the loyalty oath, and someone will be here to threaten you shortly.

Meanwhile, just like rational voters, you probably have lots of questions. For example:

How can I blunder with confidence?

If I give in to fear-mongering now, will the administration continue to promote renewable sources of fear?

When is the optimal time to have the last laugh at those Kerry supporters -- before my Social Security is privatized, while I continue to pay double for healthcare, or after I lose my job?

Next Page: Recite after me: The Pledge of Belligerence

• View blog reactions