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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Concerned about meaningless gibberish from the president? Agitated about the imminent loss of overtime benefits? Have no fear, Ms. Management is here.
Aug 16, 2004 |
Dear Ms. Management,
Ever since Mr. Right came into my life, I've had a sneaking suspicion that something's different. Don't get me wrong: He's a perfect gentleman, and so thoughtful. The other day he gave me that adorable deer-in-the-headlights look and said, "A sovereign entity means that. It's sovereign. You're a ... you're a ... You've been given sovereignty -- and you're viewed as a sovereign entity."
Wow. I never knew it could be like this.
Sometimes, though, I miss the little things. Jobs. The environment. Civil liberties. Last week I caught him going through my purse. He said he was just testing my security capabilities. Then he tried to distract me with some heavy tax stimulus.
Later I noticed my wallet was empty. At first I thought, "Well, what's five trillion when I have Mr. Right to watch over me?"
The next day I couldn't find my health insurance. When I asked him about it, he laughed and said, "Why don't you just start a health savings account?" How can I when he's spending all my money? Now my pension is missing. I hate to be a bother, but something seems amiss here.
Anyway, my question is, should I greet him at the door in the gingham number or just go with the bubble wrap?
Moonstruck in Montana
Dear Moonstruck,
You are one spoiled, high-maintenance gal! If you really loved Mr. Right you would shut up, sign the loyalty oath -- known technically as a pre-GOP -- and be more supportive of his need to go bass fishing on national TV.
So, maybe he's not the best guy in the world when it comes to managing the household finances, and maybe he doesn't know sovereignty from a sow bug. But when a guy takes all your money and tells you repeatedly, "We've turned the corner and we're not turning back," take it from Ms. Management, that's cause for commitment.
Dear Ms. Management,
Three long years of looking for a job are beginning to take a toll. The hours are grueling, I have trouble sleeping, I subsist on cheap carbs, and at this rate I'll need four jobs -- one to recoup the cost of the job search, two to make up for the decline in wages, and one to cover $700 or more a month for a really crummy health insurance policy that leaves my dependents out in the cold. Gee, maybe I should get a fifth job to pay for medical bills in case, God forbid, I have to actually use my health insurance. What do you think?
Meanwhile, I go to job seminars, job fairs, job training, job shadowing, job club, job camp, bobbing for jobs, job 'n' java, job 'n' jive, job-o-rama, jobalaya, and jobberwockey. So why can't I make any headway?
Out of Luck in Louisiana
Dear Out of Luck,
The president said he would not be satisfied until everyone "who wants a job has a job." And he looks pretty satisfied to Ms. Management. So either you already have a job and you don't know it, or you just don't want it enough.
In today's competitive job market, employers want more than just another polymath with a Ph.D., a Nobel Prize, the cure for cancer, a photographic memory, multilingualism, and the ability to scale tall buildings in a single bound.
You need to come up with something that makes you "special." Something that meets a vital human need. Can you belt out a vapid pop tune? Have you ever made an ass of yourself on TV? Are you a good ol' boy?
Now get out there and put some effort into it. Here's a helpful tip: The next time an interviewer calls you in to waste your time, mess with your head, and dash your hopes, be sure to send a handwritten thank-you note.
