These little piggies went to market

Economic indicators signal good news for the rich, but minimum-wage latte drinkers are advised to cut back on the caffeine.

By Joyce McGreevy

Jun 21, 2004 | New economic indicators suggest that the U.S. economy will continue sturdy expansion for the fortunate, relieved economists announced today.

Shares of irony surged 78 percent in response to FDA approval of the drug InOp. The patented hallucinogen, which contains the active ingredient "indifferent optimism," is already being used to treat politicians who suffer from occasional awareness. However, it has not yet been tested on human beings. Sales hit a record high in the days following the death of former President Ronald Reagan.

Other new economic indicators reveal a similar trend away from facts as a viable market index. In a nationwide survey 5 out of 5 economists with job security, benefits and stock options reported being unconcerned that 80,000 Americans a month are still being put out of work.

"There are always layoffs," said an unruffled Jess Fine, a senior business economist with the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. "Jobs are being created and jobs are being destroyed every day. Just not my job."

Among the jobs being created, says Fine, are self-employed lottery ticket investor, privatized civil servant at large, and vice president in charge of overseeing mail drop in the Bahamas.

Among the jobs being destroyed, says Fine, are midrange professions for "a bunch of people who live, um, out there somewhere." Fine added that many of these people would soon be downsizing their homes and announcing discount sales of their pre-owned consumer goods, a move he says reflects Americans' growing confidence that suicide is still the last resort.

Despite all the good news, Congress scrambled to put together several important emergency packages last week. Chief among these was $10 billion in aid to Accenture LLP, which has developed an apparently incurable resistance to paying a fair share of corporate taxes shortly after a long feeding session at the public trough. Aid workers for Accenture had previously boosted the company's tax immune system by airlifting the headquarters to Bermuda, but say that "much, much more -- and then some" will be required to keep the company healthy, wealthy and smug.

The new emergency package is expected to have widespread benefits for at least half a dozen members of the American public, say supporters, who included three lobbyists, two shareholders and a senior executive. Hiring one of the more aggressive outsourcers of American technology to track foreign visitors as a security measure just makes sense, say lobbyists, who admitted they couldn't say why.

"You'd sort of have to be there sipping that third martini," one explained.

Others cited good old-fashioned American sentiment as the reason for their support of the lucrative deal. "When you see a company that's outsourcing business to the tune of $2 billion a year," said one congressman, "you can't help but be moved by its plight. Or whatever."

Next Page: If only the poor could kick their latte habit!

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