Why won't DUMB work for Bush?

Dubya strategists puzzled as campaign launch fizzles.

By Joyce McGreevy

Apr 19, 2004 | The Delegation of Unlikely Mascots for Bush (DUMB), founded to launch a campaign "to elect our country's greatest court-appointed president to the oval ranch," failed to attract the high turnout or donations anticipated by organizers, it was reported Sunday.

The daring plan to mobilize, and tap into the remaining resources of George W. Bush's least likely supporters by asking "very, very nicely" that they act against their economic interests seemed like a no-brainer, insisted campaign intern Shirley Eujest. DUMB organizers had fully expected to bring together "massive numbers" of unemployed, students, seniors, veterans, educators, the working poor, the middle class, part-time workers, people who read, and anyone else who is, or who has ever been, in possession of a clue.

But curiously, the only people who joined the DUMB campaign Sunday were Whitey Beltwell, proprietor of the First Church of Mel's Mass Merchandising and Media Censure; Bitsy Dim, a well-dressed "Sacher Torte Mom" who enjoys bridge, fashion and collecting foreclosures, half a dozen captains, archdukes, and pirate kings of industry; and a couple of people who had just fallen off a turnip truck after being born yesterday.

"Frankly, I'm baffled," said chief organizer Frank Lee Baffold, who had predicted that "unlikely supporters" were the best hope to carry the election for Bush. Previously, Baffold served as the forecaster in charge of producing optimistic jobs growth figures for the Bush administration. "I was the first expert to predict that the president would add 4 million jobs to the economy." While critics point out that actual job growth has been "negative 3 million," Baffold says that his number has greater inspirational value.

"Unemployed people still come up to me in dark alleys and say it's people like me who briefly gave them hope. Wow. Then they kick my ass. But I'm proud to say that they also promise to vote. Well, I assume for Bush. Who else?"

Baffold is also the author of the bestselling fantasies, "I'm Sure He Means Well, Always Assume the Best," and "That's Just a Reality, Dave: The President Gives Candid Answers to Nosy Questions About His Handling of Iraq." These charming fictions are available as a boxed set for only $5 trillion.

At a press conference, Baffold was asked repeatedly what, if anything, he was thinking. He explained that the DUMB idea was the culmination of his life's work.

"Some of us noticed that the president was having a tough time trying to stay on vacation, what with all the interruptions. He's had to give not one, but two press conferences in only nine months! So I was gratified when the media published pictures of the president working on his property. Clearly, someone who's busy clearing shrubbery and swatting flies hasn't got time to deal with people's issues. To my delight, folks really understood. You should see the letters they sent, all vowing to 'help clear away the shrub.'"

"That's when I thought, why not ask these nice people to stump for the president? Take the unemployed. They're actually looking for something to do, they're conveniently located all over the country, and there's millions of 'em. Hello? If we could just get the unemployed to start saying something positive about the Bush economy, they could really help us win this thing."

Next Page: As long as you own a bank, you'll be fine

• View blog reactions