Overtime? We don't pay no stinkin' overtime!

The "U.S. Department of Labor," aka Tony "The Enforcer" Scroogissima, makes American workers an offer they can't refuse.

By Joyce McGreevy

Jan 13, 2004 | The Associated Press reported Jan. 5 that buried in the Labor Department's proposed new overtime regulations are detailed cost-cutting suggestions that would allow employers to avoid granting extra pay to the 1.3 million workers that the regulations are supposed to benefit.

"Hello. U.S. Labor Department. Who are you and why are you bothering us?"

"I'm a business owner and--"

"Why didn't you say so? In that case, how may I provide you with excellent customer service?"

"I was wondering about the Labor Department's proposed new overtime regulations."

"Regulations... hmmm... Sorry, I'm not following."

"You know, the regulations pertaining to low-income workers."

"Oh, them. OK, so you want to regulate your workers. Wonderful. Now for purposes of directing your call, are you looking to undermine, restrict or exploit? Or were you thinking of something sportier, such as a nice demoralization that can be presented in the form of a pep talk? Those are very popular right now. Oh, and I see that our intimidation specialist has just returned from lunch. We also have a special offer today on how to ignore or deny workers' basic needs while appealing to their patriotism. Shall I put you through?"

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm calling about regulations intended to benefit workers. Let's see, it says here that the new overtime regulations will increase wages for low-income workers by as much as $895 million."

"Will increase? Will? My, aren't we feeling sure of ourselves today."

"Anyway, I just want to make sure I'll be in compliance with those regulations, so--"

"OK, listen and listen good. You seem like a sweet person and I want to help you out with this... situation. So let's cut the crap. Capeesh?"

"Huh?"

"Hey, I'm talkin' here. Now, you got workers and you gotta pay 'em. That's the ugly fact of the matter. Suddenly, you get this overtime proposal breathin' down your neck. Am I right or am I right? So you're feelin' worried--"

"I wouldn't say I was worried, I just--"

"Good, cause you don't gotta worry about nothin'. Just read the rest of the proposal. Go on, read it. You see that thing buried under all the fancy talk? That's called an advisory. That's where we -- the Department of Labor -- tell you -- the world of Business and Whatnot -- how you can avoid payin' overtime to low-income workers. It's all in there, the whole megillah of cost-cutting suggestions. Are you with me so far?"

"This isn't what I--"

"Try this tip, for instance. Say you don't wanna pay overtime. No problem. You cut workers' hourly wages and then you add overtime to equal the original salary. Nice, eh? Take a little off the top here. Add a little there. Bada bing bada boom. The feds are happy, you're happy, the workers are -- hey, they don't got time to stand around bein' all warm and fuzzy."

"Gee, I really just called because--"

"Or how about this little beauty? First, you call 'em in. Say, 'How you doin', how's the family, good, good.' Soften 'em up. Say, 'Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna boost your salary.' Trust me, they'll eat it up.

So you boost it -- to $22,100 annual. We're talking twenty-two thousand big ones and a little walkin' around money. Suddenly, they're livin' large. They ain't never seen so much loot. And that's when the sting goes down, see? 'Cause what they don't know is 22 grand puts 'em right over the limit. Now they can beg for all the overtime pay they want, but it's too bad -- they're ineligible. Tell 'em, 'Hey sucker, you can put in the overtime, and you will put in the overtime, but I don't got to pay you the overtime, and if you got a problem with that, perhaps you'd like to transfer to our underwater branch office -- if you catch my drift.' That usually takes care of any, uh, conflict resolution."

"Are you serious? Is the Labor Department actually stooping to telling business owners how to skirt the law? "

"Watch your mouth! I am emphatically not telling youse all how to 'do' anything. I am merely one of two gentlemen havin' a nice conversation, which, it just so happens, concerns your wish to obtain an advantageous amount of productivity whilst minimizing the need for you to, as it were, remunerate the well-known compulsion of the average employee to work him-, her- or itself to the bone. To which end, it is not, I take it, your stated desire to cough up a big hairball of overtime--"

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