Sunday, Sep 7, 2008
"Jobs and growth, jobs and growth." It's the mantra I chant every morning as the medicine courses through my deteriorating infrastructure. Thanks to Taxium, I feel confident that any day now the pattern baldness of the national economic landscape will start sprouting jobs faster than you can emerge from a meeting with top economic advisors Treasury Secretary John F. Snow and Joshua B. Bolten, the new White House budget director, and announce, "We believe it is more likely in the upcoming year that people are going to be able to find a job, and that's exactly what -- where we focused our policy."
Yes, the focusing of unspecified policy, developed at the What-Where School of Psycho-Economic Medicine, on the afflicted regions of the body politic is ongoing even as we speak. No, wait a minute; the speaking is pretty much it. But haven't you ever caught an old rerun of "Marcus Welby, M.D." in the middle of the night and thought, "Hey, thanks to all that pseudo-diagnostic dialogue, and the vague references to candy-coated placebos I feel like going back to sleep now"? Exactly.
That's the beauty of Taxium, my friend. So what if the only significant job growth is a Snow job, complete with company bus and a tri-state sales territory for peddling shoddy excuses? With Taxium in your system, that nasty condition will feel as if something positive is happening. And if you squint your eyes and look at the economy upside down, it will appear every bit as beautiful as a $2,000-a-plate fund-raiser juxtaposed with a cancelled voucher for the school lunch program.
But wait, there's more. Thanks to Taxium, I prevented my own convulsive episode this very morning when George Bush finally checked in on us here in Oregon -- the state that leads the nation in unemployment and hunger -- as part of a caring economic plan to ask us for money. Money to be used, not for job creation, education or healthcare, but as a down payment on four more years of his proven commitment to nurturing a massive deficit. Good thing I always carry an emergency kit of Extra-Strength Taxium, a fifth of Thunderbird, and a sledgehammer for my carotid artery. Ah, that feels better.
Of course, Taxium is not for everyone. Do not take Taxium if you are pregnant or exist as the result of a pregnancy. In the event of a heart condition, up the dosage until it ceases to be a factor. For maximum benefit, supplement Taxium with diet, exercise, and a place on the Fortune 500.
Side effects from Taxium may include loss of function, housing, motor skills and motor vehicle, military fatigue, blackouts, and hypersensitivity to the continuing employability of Stephen Glass, Anna Nicole and the guy in the Verizon Wireless commercial. Some Taxium users may experience difficulty swallowing a pretzel, making it all the more unlikely that they will be able to digest economic realities or read the handwriting on the wall.
Isn't it time you tried Taxium? Your free trial is already on its way and operatives are standing by to shut down whatever resources might still remain. With Taxium, you'll learn how to double your productivity and still end up unemployed. How to operate a household on 60 percent less. How to exert overtime while keeping your salary level at recommended minimums. And if you've already lost your job, with Taxium you can still pay proportionately more taxes than major corporations. Best of all, you'll develop the unshakable belief that things are actually getting better.
So take Taxium today. Start kidding yourself tomorrow.
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