How to keep your job

Staying off the unemployment lines doesn't have to be a chore, just as long as you follow these fun 'n' easy steps!

By Joyce McGreevy

Jul 14, 2003 | Wondering how to keep your job? Well, who isn't these days? I mean, aside from the nation's 9.4 million unemployed. And the 4 million who have become so discouraged they have stopped looking altogether.

But for anybody who's left -- and that's at least 237 of you -- your jolly days as, say, a home healthcare provider who can't get health insurance or a cafeteria worker struggling to feed your kids must occasionally be interrupted by a faint disquietude that leads you to ask, What if I should lose this cushy job?

Perhaps you are a teacher who can't afford to live in your own school district, an engineer turned cardboard box assembler, or an administrator who keeps inheriting the duties, if not the compensation, of everyone the home office terminates without notice. Whatever bliss you are currently following, the question of job security need not trouble you. You see, it all comes down to a few simple guidelines.

Yes, gentle employee, search for the phrase "keep your job" on the Internet and a wealth of employment advice is laid before you. The style ranges from the rousing cheer to the chastening sermonette, but it's all about Being a Good Worker.

For some advisors, this means polishing up the externals, such as frequently updating your professional wardrobe, talking in the voice of a news anchor, and reading travel magazines. Follow these simple techniques (remembering to budget those flourishes and fripperies into your 30 percent pay cut), and -- presto! change-o! -- you too will project a more impressive image as you put in long hours of unpaid overtime alone in your cubicle or vacuum up industrial waste.

For others, the approach is more dogged, one might even say tail-wagging. "Make a list of ways you can improve yourself, and check your progress every day!" "Read and highlight key points in the new employee literature!" "Be your boss's biggest supporter!" "Always carry an extra pencil!"

Still others advise asking questions, though the recommended number varies from "as many as possible" to "as few as necessary" to the more Zen-like "Shut up!"

In fact, the phrase "keep your job" produces 18,800 hits on Google. ThatUs one font of wisdom for every unemployed Oregonian who exhausted all 26 weeks of emergency compensation more than 28 weeks ago. Which is all very well for them -- they have time to read. But for those of you who are busy (for now), here are the experts' insights boiled down to a few handy tips.

Be dependable.

Just like certain members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team who can be depended upon to keep alienating former fans with a spate of crimes, misdemeanors and obnoxious attitudes. Like registered sex offender Ruben Patterson -- who still pulls in $5 million a year. Well, why not? Teammate Damon Stoudamire, who can be counted on to keep whining about how underappreciated he is, while reliably improving his odds of getting caught with marijuana (gee, you'd think he'd be more mellow), is still eligible for $17 million a year, and has the NBA players union scrambling to protect him from a $250,000 fine.

But I guess you can't depend on the 90 people the Blazers and Oregon Arena Corp. just laid off with four hours' notice. Seems all those folks did was work. BO-ring. No word yet if anyone is rushing to protect them from financial losses.

And who were those 90 people? In a report by Jim Beseda in the Oregonian (July 9), new team president Steve Patterson offered this diplomatic summary: "Most of the changes are back of the house and operational in nature." Oh, I see, rather like Cinderella -- they just stayed in the corner, kept the place up and helped make the magic happen. Well, that's all right then. In a state that keeps winning the national pennant for unemployment, they're bound to find new jobs. Depend on it.

Be loyal.

Well, you can see how well it worked for the 90-strong support staff, some of whom had worked for the Blazers for five to 13 years. But this mantra continues to get a lot of play so it must be true. After all, many companies still throw surprise parties to reward loyal workers with 20-plus years on the job.

As in, "Surprise! We broke our promise about your medical benefits!"

"Surprise! We're under investigation for fraud and you'll bear the cost!"

Or to 7,000 active and retired pilots at U.S. Airways: "Surprise! We crashed your pension while floating to safety on our golden parachutes!"

What a hoot for Capt. Hugh Greenwood of Denver, Colo., who, according to a July 1 report in the Wall Street Journal, is 67 and disabled. As a souvenir of his many travels and evident contributions to passenger safety, Capt. Greenwood has now lost most of his pension, and with it his disability supplement. He may soon lose his house and now he and his wife need to go back to work. Let's just hope they remember to be loyal.

Next Page: As easy as finding Iraqi weapons of mass destruction!

• View blog reactions