The Bill O'Reilly Bad Sex Writing Contest

And the winner is ... the Starr Report! Why? Because it has a bigger ick factor than any of the other submissions (pun intended).

Jan 16, 2004 | We read excerpts from "Fanny Hill," from anonymous and unpublished pulp erotica. We read about syrupy hot mounds and burning male bones. But nothing we read caused us to feel the need for a shower the way this excerpt from the Starr Report did.

Maybe it's reading it again after years have passed that brings the obscenity of the text into clearer focus. Or maybe it's the clinical language describing sexual acts that enhances the creepiness of it all. But after reading all of the entries (more than once) this one rose to the top of the heaving heap as the unquestioned winner. Thanks to Ross Cunniff for his keen eye and editorial skills. He must have suffered through the report to find the juicy bits reproduced here and for that, he gets a free year's subscription to Salon.

Genital to genital contact

"According to Ms. Lewinsky, she and the President had ten sexual encounters, eight while she worked at the White House and two thereafter. (35) The sexual encounters generally occurred in or near the private study off the Oval Office -- most often in the windowless hallway outside the study. (36) During many of their sexual encounters, the President stood leaning against the doorway of the bathroom across from the study, which, he told Ms. Lewinsky, eased his sore back. (37)

Ms. Lewinsky testified that her physical relationship with the President included oral sex but not sexual intercourse. (38) According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President; he never performed oral sex on her. (39) Initially, according to Ms. Lewinsky, the President would not let her perform oral sex to completion. In Ms. Lewinsky's understanding, his refusal was related to "trust and not knowing me well enough." (40) During their last two sexual encounters, both in 1997, he did ejaculate. (41)

According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President on nine occasions. On all nine of those occasions, the President fondled and kissed her bare breasts. He touched her genitals, both through her underwear and directly, bringing her to orgasm on two occasions. On one occasion, the President inserted a cigar into her vagina. On another occasion, she and the President had brief genital-to-genital contact." (42)

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