Friday, Jul 25, 2008
An Israeli philosophy professor says that online love can be more powerful than off-line because, after all, sex is about the brain, isn't it?
Dec 18, 2003 | Israeli philosophy professor Aaron Ben-Ze'ev has written a book to be published this Valentine's Day called "Love Online: Emotions on the Internet."
"Emotions" -- ha! The best parts of his book detail the proliferation and complications of cybersex. We spoke to the professor by phone from Haifa. But before you begin reading, let's you and I have a little erotic experience. Slip off your pants or skirt. Go on, do it. If you're sitting in an office, do it subtly so no one sees. Now pull down your underwear, but don't take it off. No. Leave it stretched between your knees. Feel your bare ass on your seat. The byline on this article says David Bowman. Maybe that's my real name. Maybe it isn't. Maybe my name is Donna. If you are straight or gay, male or female, my name now fits into your cosmology. Before you begin reading, say one of these names out loud: "David Bowman." "Donna Bowman."
As you read my interview with your underwear stretched between your legs, this is what is going to happen. If you are a woman, straight or gay, your nipples are going to get hard. Real hard. Real big. Like the tops of salt shakers. They're going to poke through your blouse. Even if you are not sitting bare-assed on your seat, your nipples are visible to anyone who walks by your desk. Don't be embarrassed. They are your nipples and they are beautiful. And you fellas, don't think I've forgotten about you. Both David and Donna are thinking of lighthouses. Smokestacks. Licking their lips. Oh good Christ, ladies and gentlemen -- let's have cyber sex together!
Aaron Ben Ze'ev feels cyber sex and cyber love are almost more powerful that what he terms "off-line" relationships.
Say the term, "Off-line."
"Off-putting," isn't it?
When was the last time you had really, really good off-line sex? When was the last time you slapped the walls and screamed, "God oh God oh God!" Yeah, right. I thought so. I'm about to give you a fabulous experience. In Ben-Ze'ev's book, he lets slip that cybersex is so prolific that women now have to fake orgasms online. Well, baby, you ain't gonna fake nothing with me -- I'm your champ. And you, buddy! Saddle up the stallion because we're gonna herd cattle. Sex ain't about friction, soldier. Sex is about words. That's right. And Aaron Ben-Ze'ev and I have the language to make you cream your chair and yodel your lungs out. We're on an online roll now, baby doll. We're Circuit City. Can you stand it? How erect and besotted with blood are the appendages on your body? What will your teeth bite down on? No, no, no, not your keyboard! Sit still. Sit very still and just read this interview, and let your hands do what they were born to do.
Your book is dedicated to "Ruth"? Who is Ruth?
[Thick Israeli accent.] She's my wife.
Did you meet online?
No. We've been married for ... 18 years. Before the Internet. I've read the last interview you did with the woman who said that intelligent women are more successful in getting powerful men. I gave a lecture about emotional intelligence online -- what I argue is the combination between emotion and intelligence is much greater online than off-line because that relationship is based on conversation, which is an intellectual activity. Those who are more intelligent can seduce better. One woman told me that, off-line, stupid men can be sexy, but online stupidity cannot work. You have to have a certain amount of intelligence to excite a woman online.
Have you yourself had an online romance with a woman?
I don't have the time. I think it is a very nice way of creating a relationship. In off-line circumstances, we fall in love in light of external appearances, and then we get to know each other. In online relationships we first get to know each other. And only then fall in love. In this sense, we return to more conservative relationships. In the past, we first got to know each other and only then jumped into the bed.
Do you have any kids?
Two sons. One 13, one 17. They're all the time online.
Do they date online?
I don't know whether to call it a "date." They conduct conversations -- most of them are kids that they know. Israel is a small country and when you begin an online relationship you immediately want to meet. It is easy to meet because you don't live far away from each other.
Did you date your wife?
Yes.
For how long?
Half a year.
Did you live in the same town?
She lived not far away from where I lived. Yes, we dated before the marriage, but it went quite quickly. We met on a blind date that a friend of ours thought we were intended for each other. We fell in love quite quickly.
So this is the antithesis of online love?
Yes, it is. Look, I don't say online love is the only solution for future romantic relationships. What I do say is that it is a very good means for falling in love and having intense love and wild sex. People say that they experience the most intense love of their life with online relationships. And they say that they experience the wildest sex through the Internet. You feel very safe. And if you are safe you can speak more about yourself. And build intimacy.
I don't say that this is the only way of falling in love. I don't say that online love will completely replace off-line relationships. Even successful online relationships want to transform to off-line. They think, "If it was good so far, the physical aspect will increase our love." In many cases, it does not. On the contrary, it ruins it. This emphasizes a common human failing. We are not satisfied with being happy. We always want to be happier, but this search for being happier may ruin our happiness.
Well, love has always been a head trip, but cyber love seems like taking things too far ...
You are right, it is a head trip. It is a brain-to-brain relationship, but what I am saying is that people are not satisfied with mere head trips. They want something more. I'll give you another example, let's speak about the sexual aspect of online relationships. A husband says to his wife, "I don't care if you have an online affair as long as it is kept in computer boundaries. If you get your sexual arousal on the computer, as long as you do the sex at home, I don't care if you're aroused outside the home." The problem is that once you have this online cybersex, then you become attached to the other person. And when you become attached, you may want to meet the other person. Again, it is very hard for us to set the boundaries and then keep to the boundaries because it is so exciting.
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