"I was a middle-aged virgin"

Roger is 49 years old and has only had intercourse once -- with a surrogate. He's not alone.

By Michael Castleman

Oct 8, 2003 | Roger Andrews, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., is 49 years old and has never had a sexual relationship with anyone except himself. In fact, he's had intercourse just once -- in July 2003 with a surrogate partner he engaged to help him, in his words, "get over his terrible handicap and join the world."

To look at Roger you'd never imagine his secret, or the deep shame he has suffered because of it. He's an attractive man: light complexion, thinning blond hair, strong chin. He's a successful computer engineer. He has friendly dealings with co-workers and clients. He's smart, articulate and insightful, especially about the issue that makes him "a freak." He's a jazz drummer, and he showed enough acting talent in college to consider a theater career. He's well traveled, and has scuba-dived all over the Caribbean. But he's always been shy and never learned how to have an intimate relationship. "I never grew up in that way," he says.

Roger is not alone. There are no studies on the prevalence of virginity over 30, but many of the nation's sex therapists report a small, steady stream of older-virgin clients. During 23 years in practice, California psychologist David Johnston says he's counseled 50 middle-aged virgins, collaborating with various surrogate partners. "One was 72. A few have been women. But the vast majority have been men in their 30s or 40s."

Dr. Louanne Weston has practiced 20 years, also in California, and has teamed up with surrogates to treat approximately 40 older virgins, all men. "There are more older virgins out there than people imagine. Many are tech guys. They're often charming, but they tend to be nerdy, so women don't go after them. They don't feel socially adept enough to handle the challenges of the dating scene."

Los Angeles surrogate partner Dr. Vena Blanchard, president of the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA), says older virgins account for 50 percent of her practice, or a half dozen men a year. Like other legitimate (that is, non-prostitute) surrogates, Blanchard works only with men referred by psychotherapists. "Some live in Southern California. They see me and their therapist weekly. Others live elsewhere and come to Southern California for two weeks of intensive therapy, seeing me every morning and the therapist every afternoon. Most are Americans, but I've had clients from Canada, the U.K., India, China and Australia. It's a real commitment for them: air fare, a hotel room and food for two weeks, a rental car, my fee, and the therapist's fee. Intensive therapy can run $10,000. But they do it because they're tired of feeling stuck in their lives. They're determined not to be alone for the rest of their lives."

It's not clear if older virgins are disproportionately men, but it's the men who seek therapy. "It's possible that there are as many older virgin women," Weston explains. "But men generally have more insistent libidos. It's the men who eventually decide to do something about it."

Johnston says that in the last few years, he's seen an uptick in the number of middle-aged virgins seeking therapy. The reason, he says, is the World Wide Web. "Before the Internet, older virgins were isolated. Now they can go to sex information sites and hear about surrogates. They search 'surrogate partners,' find IPSA, and through the organization, find a surrogate and psychotherapist."

That's how Roger found Blanchard. Still painfully shy, he consented to be interviewed only under a pseudonym. But he says he feels "a mission" to publicize the plight of older virgins to encourage them to get the kind of help he received.

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