Site Presented By
Saturday, Jul 11, 2009
The men are deeper, and the sex can be sweet as well as hot. But dating at 41 is no less exquisitely confusing than it is at 21.
Apr 29, 2003 | My assignment: Report on Web site Third Age for singles 40 to 60. My status: Single. Age: 41. I'm not thrilled to join this demographic army, but since I have, I'm more than an observer tagging along. I hope to get in bed with a source.
We're all the same when we're filling out our online dating profile; it's a democracy of self-display in the little boxes for favorite books and movies, hobbies, pets, political affiliation. For "Body," I check "Slender," "Athletic," "Muscular," "Average" and "Could Lose a Few Pounds" to communicate the static of womanhood in America and still seem hot. My mature dream guy will get the joke. He'll also get my screen name: "barely legal."
I end "What I'm Looking For" with "Divorced, kids OK," which is actually an understatement. I love children, and I'm not driven or wealthy or brave or selfish or selfless enough to have one by myself. So I've pretty much bid adieu to my nubility (which spell-check wants to change to "nobility." Fuck you, Microsoft).
Sometimes I fantasize that the window's not really shut. I could conceivably meet Mr. One tomorrow and instantly establish our trust and life commitment and mutual desire for children. I could get the painful shots in my ass and have fertility-drug twins cesareaned out of me by, say, age 44, then spend the next 18 years in the terrified vigilance of parenthood. Then I could decline and die just at the point my kids, assuming they don't have Down syndrome, have had enough therapy to forgive my selfish, set-in-her ways.
Or I could shop for retreads. Divorced or widowed dads offer advantages beyond off-the-shelf kids. I know they're not all Eddie's Father, but the minimally decent ones have loved and empathized and comforted; they've transcended the cool selfishness of the long-term dater. (They may retain tiresome bargaining and arguing habits learned in deteriorating marriages, but at least they engage.)
These dads have usually hung in with a romantic partner longer than I have and are often ready for something more independent and low-key than their marriages. A long-term bond with a man and child(ren) that's less pressured than wifehood and motherhood seems ideal. A cry of low self-esteem or hipster alienation perhaps, but to be second or third or fourth in a man's affections seems ideal for a longtime singleton. Intimacy without suffocation, some relational slack, kids I can enjoy and nurture without full responsibility.
But it's distressingly clear after a few clicks that my funny, smart, evolving, same-wavelength guy with the cute spawn is not on Third Age. I thought I knew the terrain, but all I know is Nerve.com (artsy, intellectual, semi-naked pictures) and Match.com (unpretentious, sincere, pictures with dogs). Both sites have reliably yielded pretty good dates with way-above-average men, because of the enormous numbers. On Nerve.com, for example, a search of taller-than-me 37- to 48-year-old nonsmokers who live within 50 miles conjures 350 bachelors who've posted or updated their ads in the last four days. Most single people I know have tried Match or Nerve, and several smart, fussy, overachieving 40-ish girlfriends found life partners in these online catalogs of love.
Third Age is more like a cable shopping channel. The clichés that the Nerve.com-ers tweak for their ads ("Tall dork, handsome"; "plays well with Other"; "unrequited self-love") are the lingua franca of Third Age. The lack of quote marks is disturbing around such self-portraiture as "professional into fine dining ... looking to get the most out of life with a special someone ... easy on the eyes and seeking same." These men "want to share a zest for life." They are "a gentleman seeking a lady," "an average-looking male," and an "owner of co. Extreme romantic."
I try to parse this: "I consider myself a great guy seeking same in female": He wants a female who also considers him a great guy? He wants to be a great guy inside a female? Equally confusing is, "At 29 years old I am over 6 feet tall." And still growing? And what are you doing on the geezer site anyway, sonny? I was so desperate to engage that I briefly wished for enough fur to answer this individual: "HAIRY WOMEN are BEAUTIFUL; Very INTELLIGENT, INTERESTING, White Male, Seeks Female LifePartner/lover/friend, 20's to 50's; with at least HAIRY FOREARMS."
And these are the wordsmiths. The vast majority leave all the blanks blank and don't post pictures either. One guy's screen name was Brooklyn; the only information about him was "within 10 miles of Brooklyn." How borough-driven can a woman be, dude?
Why would someone, no, not someone, pretty much everyone on this site, take the trouble to join and not even try? I had paid my $20 (for a month; Nerve charges for each contact like a subway fare card). Frustration was making me mean, so I started flaming. To a businessman "seeking a well rounded, sensitive, intelligent, spiritual, educated female who will complement my unique profile," I kvetched, "What unique profile? You didn't even fill in any blanks." Another one had checked "Other" for "Body," so I wrote him, "What are you, a spirit?" After a few hours wading through prose worthy of a pharmaceutical ad, I went back and reinstated on Nerve, where I overreacted to basic literacy and humor by answering eight ads in a row; five in their 30s, three in their 40s.
