Maybe it was because I was sitting down, I thought. I'm being too passive. So I tried standing up. I clicked on the full-screen link and watched Mika's head expand into almost human-size proportions on my flat-screen Dell. (The resolution isn't as clean as in the tiny Windows Media Player box, but it's still pretty good.) Fortunately, the VSM comes with plenty of cable connection for freedom of movement, allowing the machine to do its job.

By this time Mika's head was moving up and down like a piston, but I wasn't getting into it. And why the hell would I be? Standing in my socks, in the middle of the afternoon, with blankets over my windows, and my dick inside some huge pink/black worm larva machine watching porn on my computer would be all the ingredients required to freak anyone out. Right?

I thought: Is this the future of sex? If it is, so be it.

As Hunter S. Thompson once said, "Buy the ticket, take the ride," and I wasn't taking the damn thing off until I came.

I decided to try my luck with another performer. Morgan has that girl-next-door charm with a healthy streak of slut. Perfect. The problem I discovered almost immediately was that she spends about five minutes bantering with the cameraman about orgies she has had with her girlfriend. And since the VSM mimes the movements on the screen, nothing is happening during her soliloquy.

My erection started to deflate like a freshman asking for a dance.

I skipped ahead to get some action and the machine started its grinding when Morgan began her oral exercises. But as I watched her eyes, my excitement faded. Her eyes didn't have joy in them -- and she reminded me of my cousin.

My cousin. How's she doing? I should call her sometime ...

Christ. If this machine were doing its job I wouldn't be drifting off like this. I needed to focus. Out with chatty Morgan and in with the optimistically named Sunnydaze. Dirty blonde. Hopped up on drugs. Slurred speech. Trampy glint in her eye. Yes, she'd do nicely. Not a lot of small talk from Sunny. She's all business.

This was better but, like spaghetti sauce, it still needed a little extra spice. One weakness is that the VSM doesn't have the same oomph as a pussy or a mouth or even a hand. The grip just isn't there. It's the difference between opening up a two-liter of Coke and hearing its loud shhht! and opening up the same two-liter a week later and hearing that sad ffft, and knowing it's as flat as Britney Spears' acting career.

The sad VSM motor needed a little help and I decided the only way I was going to get my rocks off was to start stroking the chamber up and down on my cock. It was like giving a hand job to the machine. I figured while it was gripping my dick with its vibrating, sucking action I'd jerk it off.

Yes. Not bad. Focus. Focus. Ah Sunny, you're a naughty girl aren't you?

Concentrate.

You like that? Yeah baby. You know you want it.

By this time sweat was forming on my shoulders from jerking off my new enormous, freak-show cock with both hands.

Where do you want it, Sunny? You little tramp.

Sunny was on her back, arching her breasts into the air as she sucked dick. She was grabbing on tight. Tighter. Tighter ...

I was ramming the VSM into my pelvis with the force of a hammer.

That's it. Yes. Oh. Yes.

Boom. I shot my load into a giant, humming pink larva on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.

My God, what have I become?

I hit Stop.

When I pulled my technologically abused member out of its now gummy pink sheath, it was a strange color purple. Is that a popped blood vessel? My cock looked at me with sadness in its eye, as if to say "Why?"

From Page 13 of the Virtual Sex Machine user's manual: "Take it to your sink -- any excess fluid should drain out at this point." I cleaned it as best I could, but there was a disconcerting creamy fluid that wouldn't flush out no matter what I did. Best not to think about it. The manual says to let it air-dry, so I stuck it in the dish rack and hoped for no unexpected guests.

When my girlfriend got home and saw the pink monster in the sink she asked me how it went.

"You have nothing to worry about," I assured her.

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