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Monday, Nov 9, 2009
I inserted myself into the pink stimulation chamber and hit Play.
Feb 5, 2003 | As we move closer to the day when robots rule, it's only fitting that their mechanical hegemony is concentrating on our crotches. This could be the era of the techno-masturbator. And at the vanguard of self-abuse is the Virtual Sex Machine (VSM) -- a $400 soldier in the battle of penis domination.
The VSM had its humble beginnings in a remote town near Windsor, Penn. -- in Amish country. Not that any of these Old World descendants will ever try this techno hand job for themselves. If they only knew that one of their neighbors, 36-year-old entrepreneur Eric White, created what he feels is the next big thing in porn.
"This is the first thing to add a new dimension to sex. This is the first thing to actually let you feel what that porn star you worship is doing," White says. "It is the definition of virtual sex, plain and simple."
The cybersex experience of the VSM depends on four components: a computer with a Windows-based operating system (avoid thinking of Bill Gates having sex here), the Sex Machine CD-ROM, the Sex Machine computer interface, and the granddaddy of all sex devices, the Virtual Sex Machine Penis Stimulator Chamber.
The chamber resembles a huge pink light saber in mid-erection. On one end (the light saber's handle) is the motor encased in shiny latex, painted the ubiquitous sex-toy glossy black. On the other end (light saber's flaccid end) is 8 inches of a ribbed, hot-pink worm surrounded by a clear plastic sheath.
This giant pink worm is where the dick goes.
In the 1983 sci-fi thriller "Brainstorm," starring Christopher Walken and Natalie Wood, there's a virtual reality helmet that allows people to feel other people's experiences. Naturally, sex is on the top of the list, and one character hooks himself into a nonstop sex loop of some flouncy blonde bobbing like a cork on his cock. The intense virtual-sex experience leaves him a quivering, drooling wreck.
The Virtual Sex Machine isn't like that.
What the Virtual Sex Machine is like starts with loading the VSM CD-ROM onto your computer. You click on the Virtual Sex Machine icon and you're ready to rock. A photo menu pops up showing five girls engaging in various lewd acts for you to choose from (you can buy additional CD-ROMs, such as ménage à trois, exotics, and "all sucking").
The videos are part of the Home Grown video series and feature performers such as overly enthusiastic cocksucker Mika Lee. But there's also a handful of amateurs like Heather -- the kind of girl you'd find servicing truckers at a highway rest stop -- or Maxine, the goth girl most likely to listen to the Cure during Wiccan ceremonies.
For my cherry-popping foray into techno jacking off I indulged my Asian fetish with the lovely Mika. The idea behind the Penis Stimulator Chamber is that its built-in vibrator and suction will mimic the movements of the performer you choose on the CD-ROM. When the performer goes down, the machine mechanism goes down. When she comes up for air the machine squiggles up. Real-life sucking is replaced by a vacuum pump.
When I hit Play, Mika appeared on-screen and the chamber whirred to simulated life, humming like a hive of angry bees. The big pink worm began twisting and contracting like a respirator pump. For some reason I imagined this scary Cronenburg-esque contraption would have teeth inside.
With the help of some very slick lubricant, the "stimulation chamber" was not as cold as I thought it would be when I slid my hesitant cock inside. The fit was actually pretty snug. Did it feel like Mika's moist mouth would? I'll never know. As the machine pumped up and down and the vacuum squeezed my cock into some pink shrink-wrapped-looking sausage, Mika was probably going to town on some lucky guy's real schlong.
Meanwhile, I got the simulation. Like a Godzilla movie where the Japanese mouths aren't quite in sync with the English words, the VSM wasn't quite in sync with Mika's loving-me-long-time action on the screen. She zigged, it zagged. It wasn't unpleasant, but it also wasn't making my legs tremble with pleasure.
