Hello Kitty and Honey Bear

Made of hard bubble-gum pink plastic and topped with the torso of the perennially popular Sanrio icon, the Hello Kitty vibrator is a straightforward sex toy with few frills to offer beyond its disturbingly cute facade.

The glee and envy it elicited from my girlfriends when I showed it off socially almost made up for the discovery that it only had one speed. The smooth sides provided little in the way of pleasant friction, and the head itself was a bit unwieldy. I also discovered that I had a mental hang-up about playing intimately with the international symbol of adorable youth; I couldn't quite get over the unsavory feeling that I belonged in a photo spread for "Barely Legal," which is definitely not a fantasy of mine.

On the plus side, it was so insanely cute that I had the unprecedented urge to display it prominently on my night stand. Finally, it has a very loud purr, so I would not recommend it to those of you who don't want your immediate neighbors to know when you are saying hello to Kitty.

Also taking a childhood memory and giving it an adult spin is the bear-shaped vibrator reminiscent of certain honey-dispensing plastic bottles. Its surprisingly detailed features (lines etched into the body to signify fur, a carefully delineated snout) are molded out of soft pink rubber, and its arms arch over its head, ballerina-style. When switched on, the little paws quiver up and down, which motion is supposed to provide extra stimulation to the clitoris. I couldn't quite figure out how to maneuver it so it "grabbed" that area consistently without slipping, but the sensations provided were great anyway. The rubber warmed instantly to body temperature and the palm-sized body of the bear was pleasant to the touch and easy to handle. The speeds available ranged from a surprisingly powerful low rumble to the obligatory fast and furious, and the accompanying noise levels were fairly low. All in all, a very sweet bear!

Rub my ducky

When it comes to vibrators, I'll always choose function over form. After all, when it's "down there" does it really matter if it's a cucumber or something anatomically correct? All that matters to me is whether or not it helps me get where I want to go.

Rub My Duckie was a disappointing orgasmic experience. With persistence one can reach a climax, but it's strictly an external affair. This toy is not built for a deeper pleasure. The biggest drawback is there's no obvious way to hold or use this vibrator, which happens to look exactly like a little yellow tub ducky. Oh, it's cute -- and makes a marvelous party or gag gift -- but for the serious orgasm seeker, you may as well take a ride on your washing machine. Since one of this toy's highlights is that it's waterproof, if fun in the shower is what you're looking for, a good water massager and decent water pressure will bring you more pleasure than your ducky.

Old and new

I was able to test the best of the old and the new in the world of vibrators.

The traditional phallus-shaped tiger-print vibrator (about 8 inches long) was grrrrreat. Powerful, and attractive to look at -- it made me recall Tony the Tiger and got me thinking a girl could do worse. Hey, he wore that jaunty bandana, and he wouldn't be one to bore you with stories of psychotic ex-girlfriends. Its smooth surface was easy to grip and felt very clean; I appreciated that it didn't have a rubbery smell like many vibrators do. However, it seemed to grow loud very quickly.

I also had good results with the new Natural Contours vibrator. This is a wonderful product. The packaging touts it as "designed in Europe" (not by uptight puritanical Americans!) and "ergonomically engineered," so important for those trying to avoid carpal tunnel syndrome. It is practically silent, with three distinct speeds. Its unique, elegant modern shape seems to encourage experimentation -- I wasn't sure exactly how it was designed to be held but it wasn't difficult to achieve, er, success. Another bonus to this product: If there's a chance airport security will be waving your vibrator around, this is the one you'd choose. "Um, that's my neck rest."

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