Thong or bikini, sir?

How to go lingerie shopping for your woman without feeling as though you're 16 and sneaking a peek at Playboy with your Sunday-school teacher standing next to you.

By Charles Taylor

Dec 20, 2002 | If men who go shopping for clothes for their wives and girlfriends are still treated the way women used to be treated when they went shopping for a new car -- as if they don't know anything -- there's a good reason for that. When it comes to clothes, their own or anyone else's, most men don't know anything.

Part of the reason is the belief, instilled in men from boyhood, that taking interest in clothes is a sign of effeminacy. So, just as they were by their mothers, a number of men are dressed by their girlfriends or wives. That can be great. The opinion of someone who loves you can open your eyes to things you might overlook for yourself. But to be totally dependent on a woman to dress you is a little like getting to a certain age and still needing to have your meat cut. And it's got nothing to do with money. You can put together a perfectly decent wardrobe from the Gap or Target or H&M. It has to do with taking an interest in how you look, having some basic feel for matching colors and patterns and textures, which isn't so hard as it sounds (there's no secret knowledge in figuring out that a plaid tie does not go with a striped shirt).

With that kind of background, it's no wonder that men who go Christmas clothes shopping for the women in their lives feel utterly lost. And when it comes to lingerie shopping, the awkwardness that a lot of men feel is coupled with blushing, adolescent embarrassment, as if you were 16 again and sneaking a peek at Playboy at the newsstand with your Sunday-school teacher standing next to you.

The most important thing to acknowledge and accept about buying lingerie is this: The saleswomen know you're getting it as a prelude to sex. You're a big boy. You have sex. And buying lingerie is a way of announcing that the lady in your life turns you on enough for you to want to see her in these skimpy little things. Where's the shame in that? (Would you rather have the salesgirl think you're buying it for yourself?)

This may seem like running before you're ready to walk, but the best thing I can think of for overcoming any embarrassment you might feel at buying lingerie is first taking a trip to the nearest women-run sex boutique. (The vibrators and dildos and pocket pussies on display at the local porn shop don't count.) These places, like New York's wonderful and welcoming Toys in Babeland (how can you not love a place with a name like that?), are run by people who are expert in making the customers feel at home, being frank in a way that encourages you to be frank, too.

Doing some Christmas shopping at Toys recently, I overheard one slightly self-conscious guy looking for a vibrator for his girlfriend but unsure what she'd be comfortable with. The saleswoman started with some good basic questions ("Did you want it for clitoral stimulation or penetration?") and proceeded from there, talking the fellow through the various choices. Before long, he opened up and was talking with her comfortably. These shops, if you're lucky enough to have one near you, are some of the best places around for couples. And if you've spent some time weighing the pros and cons of the Hitachi Magic Wand and the notorious Rabbit, hearing about the benefits of dildos and butt plugs made of silicone, then tap pants and merry widows are a breeze.

Preparing to buy lingerie is the most pleasurable homework you'll ever do. Basically, it means watching your wife or girlfriend as she parades around the bedroom getting dressed or undressed. She what she's comfortable with. Does she like strapless bras or ones with straps? Underwire or smooth cups? Full coverage or demi bras? Panties or thongs? And if she doesn't wear the latter, why? Does anal floss make her uncomfortable? Or are thongs just not something that fits in with her everyday wardrobe? Would she be willing to wear one if it weren't something she'd have on from morning till night, if she'd be wearing it for a more intimate, relaxed and shorter period of time?

Take her body into account. That doesn't mean that if she isn't built like Tyra Banks, you should get her some ugly utility underwear. Of course, fantasies play a large part in buying lingerie -- yours and hers. But have your lady's body in mind, not Tyra's. Your decision about what to buy starts with observation, and looking at the woman who turns you on is never a chore.

When you've done the homework, which includes knowing her size (Don't know her size? Why not leave a little mash note in her lingerie drawer telling her that Santa would like to know her sizes in all sorts of garments, and that a note from her left in your underwear drawer would surely find its way to him), it's time to actually go shopping.

Next Page: Avoid Victoria's Secret!

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