Deal breakers

You may not push that hottie out of bed for eating crackers. But what about for wearing Tevas?

By Douglas Cruickshank

Aug 7, 2002 | A stated willingness to tolerate a prospective lover's propensity for dining on saltines while in bed is the generally accepted test of one's depth of attraction, the indicator of just how much you would be willing to put up with in order to indulge with said object of desire in a bit of horizontal hijinks.

I first learned of the cracker test when I was 13. A sophisticated, and platonic, friend of mine -- a worldly woman of 16 -- had carnal cravings for a skinny, scraggly-haired drummer with bad teeth. I questioned her taste in men. She admitted that to some he might not be the most appealing of characters, but he did have that certain something, she insisted, that had nothing to do with looks. "I sure wouldn't push him out of bed for eating crackers" she said from the bottom of her heart, or maybe lower.

Implicit in the cracker test concept is that there are other people who, while you may find them fetching, you don't find so intoxicatingly fetching that you would let them remain in your bed if they chose to consume Wheat Thins while between your sheets, or wherever. In such a case, cracker consumption would be what's called a deal breaker.

Now, in truth, over the decades I've found that the cracker issue doesn't come up that frequently during the ins and outs of love, but plenty of other deal breakers do, and they are often just as petty and absurd as the eating of crackers. Still, these little things can move our hearts and change the course of our lives and loves, so I felt an inquiry was justified. I made some calls, sent some e-mails and harvested several bushels of strange and impassioned responses. In return I promised to protect the guilty by changing names, though I've left age and gender unaltered. Women tended to be more responsive than men, but then we knew that.

Anyway, as for the deal breakers most likely to get you eighty-sixed from the Garden of Earthly Delights, in the case of women assessing men, I found that footwear plays a frighteningly important role (not surprisingly, most men I talked to didn't give a damn about women's shoes). Sandals specifically and two brands especially -- Birkenstocks and Tevas -- really put the freeze on the female libido.

Sally, 29, said, "Tevas or Birkenstocks? No fuckin' way. But if they're wearing those, I'm not going to get anywhere near them to begin with." Jamie, 39, while expressing her desire in graphic terms, also dissed Tevas: "I like this guy so much," she said referring to the new apple of her eye, "that I'd let him fuck me in the butt while he was wearing Tevas." A touching sentiment, charmingly expressed.

Liz, 26, said her father, a gynecologist, wears Birkenstocks and "I just don't want to go there." I didn't either so I didn't query her further on the subject. But I did ask Sally to elaborate.

"What is it about those two kinds of sandals," I wondered. "Are they just sexless or what?"

"I guess so," she said. "They're so cheesy. And the absolute worst is Tevas with socks. Or sandals of any kind with socks. Or white socks, in most cases. It's very hard to think of a time when white socks are appropriate. Maybe if you're doing some sort of '50s thing with black loafers and Levis, but white socks in general are pretty bad."

Still another respondent, Callie, 44, sent a long list of deal breakers and right at the top was, "Flip-flops except by the pool or in the gym. They only exist to protect your feet against water and mildew. They are not shoes. Birkenstocks and Tevas," she continued, "have no reason to exist, they're just plain ugly. And with socks, they're even uglier!"

"The near deal breaker for me," a friend who wishes to remain pseudonymless and ageless, said, "is men who skate. I'll never forget seeing my boyfriend, later husband, in those giant roller skating shoes with his skinny white legs zooming around the Venice Beach boardwalk. That was a really dark moment."

OK, gentlemen, if you now choose to wear sandals on your first date and you are not in Tahiti, at Gold's or at poolside, don't say you haven't been warned. And, uh, if you're over 14, lose the Rollerblades.

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