Friday, Aug 29, 2008
In the discussions that preceded my fling with Paulette, Elly kept saying she couldn't do what I wanted to do. She said she couldn't just fuck someone for fun while she was in love with me. Plenty of women have affairs, I replied. Maybe so, she conceded, but she couldn't. I felt both reassured about her fidelity and mystified by this difference between us. I had no problem separating sex from love. I was into fucking Paulette for the sex of it, to see another woman naked, to explore her, enter her, come inside her and hopefully thrill her. But even while lusting after Paulette, I understood that she was not the type of woman I could love or live with, and tried my best to reassure Elly that I had no thought of leaving her for Paulette -- even as I packed my toothbrush to go and fuck her. Elly replied forlornly: I couldn't do that.
I told Elly which night I'd be gone. She took it with surprising equanimity, the way a death-row inmate reacts to the news that his final appeal has been denied. She just asked that I call her the next morning at work.
Sex with Paulette was great fun. She was the first gal I'd fucked since all the work with Elly had taught me ejaculatory control and how to really please a woman. Paulette appreciated my staying power and my moves. Call me Mr. Stud.
I called Elly the following morning as agreed. She didn't sound so good. Back at the apartment that night, she went to pieces. She couldn't stand me having sex with anyone else. She was frantic. She wanted me to break things off with Paulette immediately. She couldn't take it. She realized that sex was a big thing, that my having another lover was too much for her to bear. Of course, I empathized. I could see myself feeling terribly threatened if Elly decided to fuck another man.
Paulette had maybe two weeks left. After our night together, I'd hoped to have a few more before saying good-bye, probably forever. But seeing Elly in extremis broke my heart. I loved her. I was committed to her. I did not want to hurt her. So I did as she requested. I explained things to Paulette and broke it off. She wasn't thrilled, but she understood.
I confess that I resented Elly a little for standing in the way of my fun. Aw, come on, I recall saying, how about letting me fuck her a few more times. But Elly was freaked, and I did not want to hurt her more than I already had.
After I broke things off with Paulette, Elly and I returned to our relationship -- and our desire difference -- as if nothing had ever happened. It was weird, but neither of us mentioned Paulette again for years. Then, maybe five years ago, Elly and I were attending a publishing party and who shows up with her husband in tow. Paulette and I greeted each other politely. I introduced Elly, and she introduced her husband, whose name I immediately forgot. I was amused by this chance meeting, but Elly was unnerved. By that time we had kids and a mortgage so threats to our marriage had much higher stakes than they did at the time of my one-night fling. We didn't last long at the party. Elly kept tugging at my sleeve to leave, and not long after bumping into Paulette, we did.
I've never had another affair. (And I don't think Elly has had any, though I've never asked her.) I confess I've felt mildly tempted on occasion. But since Paulette, I've never followed through. I haven't wanted to hurt Elly. Or sneak around behind her back. I've realized that what we have is special, something worth cherishing. I'm willing to make sacrifices to protect it. And I don't want to be seen as a womanizer, don't want Elly complaining to her friends about my philandering, and have to put up with opprobrium from people in our social circle.
The Paulette episode showed that Elly's libido was not permanently missing in action. In fact, it was remarkably robust under certain circumstances. We both saw that I could use the threat of an affair as a weapon in our frequency war. On occasion, if Elly stretched our every-week-actually-10-days beyond two weeks, I would grumble that other women might find me more alluring than she did. But I've never carried out the threat. Despite a high-gear sex drive, deep down, I just don't want to hurt Elly.
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