Valentine's Day with the Fat Guy

But even if psychology defines the limit of the effect of culinary aphrodisiacs, all hope is not lost. Foods that trigger sexual thoughts are always welcome in my home. The question is: What are they?

True excitement necessarily contains an element of surprise, so the first secret to unearthing sexy foods is to look for something unexpected. One caveat, though: In the early stages of a relationship, you probably don't want to get too creative. Dating is, at the outset, more about establishing your normalcy than it is about proving how offbeat you can be. So the newly in love are best advised not to eschew champagne and chocolate just yet. When your relationship is still on virgin ground, sometimes you've got no choice but to do the expected thing if that's what's going to get you laid. But for those in a mature, long-term relationship, surely you can come up with something a little more unexpected.

Now, as an example of what doesn't constitute the unexpected, take the recent Wall Street Journal recommendation, by that paper's resident wine-guru couple:

"Champagne is perfect for Valentine's Day, of course, but the problem is that your valentine is expecting it. So this year, have a glass of champagne and then surprise your valentine with a bottle of red Burgundy."

Boy, those guys are going to have a wild Valentine's Day. And so, I suppose, is anybody willing to accept romantic advice from the Wall Street Journal. No, I'm not talking about substituting Burgundy for champagne, mocha for chocolate or clams for oysters. I'm talking about a radical departure, a complete refiguring of what makes food sexy. And being able to do that depends on the realization that, for each person, the universe of trigger foods may be a very personal thing.

There is of course the option of a full-frontal assault: Any food that can be incorporated directly into the lovemaking process is at least arguably an aphrodisiac. Other erotic foods are those that are really messy and can be shared, because they help break down inhibitions. For example, I can think of few food experiences sexier than two lovers sharing cheese fondue. It's not only inherently sensual, but it also tastes really good. But for me, and I submit this is the case for most people, the truly powerful connections between food and sex are all about memories.

Childhood favorites, in particular, are comforting, reassuring and sneakily seductive. Any woman who wants to get my attention had best learn how to make fettuccine Alfredo that approaches my mother's. I'm also a sucker for anything with a fresh-baked aroma, a category limited not just to cookies and breads but also extending to pancakes and waffles, especially when doused in good maple syrup. But it's also important not to project: As soon as you confuse your memories with someone else's, you're done for. For each person, there are different foods that strike these deep chords, be they grilled cheese sandwiches, carrot cake, knishes, quesadillas or egg foo yung. Learn your lover's secret nostalgic favorites (a phone call to any living relative should do the trick -- ask for a recipe), and embrace them regardless of your own preferences, and you're well on your way to an unforgettable Valentine's Day.

Food is not by definition sexy, however, simply because someone loves it. There's a big difference between loving food and becoming aroused by it. Every red-blooded American loves a good roast suckling pig, but that sort of carnage doesn't exactly put most people in the mood. Odors, too, require careful monitoring: In direct contravention of the conventional wisdom about oysters and other shellfish, I strongly suggest staying away from any kind of seafood on account of its ability to generate unpleasant smells and -- worse -- bad breath. Nothing kills a sexual buzz quicker than halitosis. And no matter how much good food you have around, be it at home in a restaurant, don't eat a huge meal right before lovemaking. Eat it afterwards.

But in the end, the most powerful psychological aphrodisiacs of all may have nothing to do with food. When Mrs. The Fat Guy makes me fettuccine Alfredo, it's not the pasta per se that gets me hot and bothered; it's the gesture. The old adage about it being the thought that counts is especially true in matters of sexuality, where -- especially if you're in a relationship for the long haul -- sensitivity and generosity are among the most appealing traits a lover can possess. Technique can be taught; food can be bought; but underlying personality traits don't evolve much after age 6 -- just ask any first-grade teacher who has kept in touch with many former students.

And is it really beneficial to focus so heavily on aphrodisiacs and sex just because it's Valentine's Day? Sex centered around special occasions strikes me as utterly devoid of meaning and potentially unhealthy. When oral sex becomes a birthday present, when men give their wives Valentine's Day gift certificates for full-body massages, and when sex is traded for jewelry or otherwise commoditized, what does that say about the priorities within a relationship? Intimacy is the greatest gift of all, but it should never be given literally as a gift.

So you must all be wondering, then, what did Mrs. The Fat Guy get her husband for Valentine's Day?

Lunch. In Paris.

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