Eat on me

Avoid spicy, hot-pepper-based foods. They contain a chemical called capsaicin. When that stuff comes in contact with delicate membranes, such as those in the eyes, nostrils, female genitals (as well as parts of the male genitals) and anus, it burns -- badly. Even when applied to thicker skin, spicy things have a pesky habit of getting on the hands and eventually finding their way into the more sensitive areas.

Carbonation is interesting. Fizzy beverages -- champagne in particular -- are fun to slurp off of your partner. Still, I recommend you ignore the urban myth of Coca-Cola as contraceptive.

Masking, if necessary, can be effective. By masking we mean application to the actual genitals prior to oral sex in order to conceal the tastes of bodily secretions. On the one hand, oral sex performed in this manner doesn't feel as good as the unadulterated variety: It's just plain sloppy. However, aided by a small ice cube (see above), it can be interesting for a short period of time. On the other hand, this trick can encourage a reticent partner to perform with greater frequency an act that not everybody is enthusiastic about performing.

And then there is the issue of calories. I should have seen this coming, but I was surprised to learn that many people -- women in particular, I'm sorry to say -- are quite concerned about the nutritional content of literally every bite, so much so that they even care in this context. I was particularly alarmed that not one, not two, but eight out of 10 women I polled for this story expressed concerns about the calorie count of semen.

Now, in response to this bizarre concern, I could tell you that having great sex is about loosening up, letting yourself go and not being so neurotic. This is why, I've often maintained, happy fat guys and girls have more and better sex than their miserable, anorexic counterparts. But it wouldn't help to say that, because those who are diet-obsessed are typically deaf to reason, so here's the lowdown: According to sex therapists Linda Humphries and Jeff Thomas, "A typical ejaculate consists of about 3 to 5 milliliters (one tablespoon) of semen. There are about five calories in this tablespoon of semen. These calories come from simple sugars, which can make the sperm more active. Nutritionally, sperm cells contain small amounts of cholesterol, carbohydrate enzymes, proteins and trace amounts of iron and zinc."

Whipped cream, by contrast, is an intensely concentrated calorie source, with, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, 51 calories per tablespoon, roughly 10 times that of semen. Chocolate sauce is close behind, at 46 calories per tablespoon.

The girls on "Sex and the City," however, advocate Cool Whip Free as a low-cal, whipped-cream alternative (imagine what a nightmare it would be to date one of them). And Atkins Diet practitioners need not fixate at all -- just be sure to whip it yourself (most of the commercial products have added sugar) and sweeten the cream with Equal, or just allow the natural sweetness of the cream to stand on its own.

So we know it's possible to enhance the act of sex with food, and we know this can be done within the strictures of even the most neurotic diets. But after eating a few dozen meals off my wife's body and vice versa, I must confess that -- though we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and engaged in weeks of heightened activity as a result -- we never achieved an experience as erotic as the simple act of feeding one another.

Nor is great, fully clothed conversation over a fine meal to be underestimated as a means of foreplay. After all, the kitchen table isn't particularly comfortable for lovemaking (though it's at the ideal height for some things), and it's no coincidence that most bedrooms don't come equipped with dishwashers.

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