Thursday, Jul 24, 2008
With Chef Will's wise words in mind, I report the following tasting notes, as it were:
Sweet stuff is overrated. Sweet means sticky, and traditional whipped-cream and chocolate-sauce body glazes leave an unpleasant residue and allow for little in the way of subtlety. (The specially engineered body-paint product from Red Envelope, which comes packaged with two paintbrushes, is little better.) And that's not to mention the problem of body hair, which has a pesky habit of getting caught up in such adhesive mixtures.
Contrast this with a piece of popcorn. Place a piece of popcorn on your partner's abdomen. The kernel is light, so keeping it in place requires muscular control -- itself a source of erotic interest. It makes no mess. Because it does not adhere to the flesh, it can be removed with any level of pressure desired. It can be extracted with no contact at all between the tongue and body, or with an intense, full-mouth grind. In general, I found that lightweight, non-sticky snack foods (cheese puffs, potato chips, pretzel nuggets) were the best all-around utility infielders of the erotic larder. For something a little sweeter, I recommend Cracker Jack and its ilk.
On the other end of the spectrum, though food is an inferior lubricant, slippery foods can be quite stimulating. But whatever you do, no matter how smooth it feels, please don't rub food on your genitals and then engage in intercourse. You're going to make a huge mess, and the gritty sensations will be overall unpleasant. Food interferes with the body's natural lubrication system, and as an assist it doesn't perform nearly as well as synthetic products like K-Y or Astroglide (which are, in turn, superior to Vaseline). And for those who want to use appropriately shaped food as a surrogate penis, be aware that it can too easily break and become difficult to remove.
But hope is not lost for those who enjoy slimy stimuli. The trick is to use such foods (Jell-O being chief among them, and also some fruits, like kiwi) as an appetizer, and to clean the plate thoroughly before moving on to the entrie.
Artful use of contrasting temperatures virtually guarantees success. The one food (water, actually) that seemed a complete winner during my tests was the humble ice cube. (You may substitute any frozen, edible liquid.) Used with restraint, this guaranteed nipple-hardener can function admirably in a variety of erogenous zones. The trick, however, is to apply it with a light hand and not for so long in any one place that it becomes unpleasant. Warm foods (not hot, please) can also be effective, especially when applied immediately following the ice, though the mouth itself is quite warm (about 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, as you know) and serves as, in my opinion, the better follow-up to cold stimulation.
The blind-feeding thing is a failure. Remember that great scene in "Nine 1/2 Weeks" where Mickey Rourke feeds the young Kim Basinger all manner of food while she's blindfolded? I thought the scene was totally, blisteringly hot, and so did every non-frigid person I know. But in real life, if you actually do this with your partner, it's kind of dumb. For one thing, the amount of mise en place (the technical culinary term for advance preparation) necessary to assemble 20 different, edible items for such a scene is daunting if you don't have the assistance of a key grip, the gaffer, a best boy and a craft services team. For another thing, the game grows uninteresting after the first couple of foods. Aesthetics are, after all, a major component of food enjoyment (it's often said that cuisine is the only art that affects all the senses) so it seems a waste to experience food in the context of sensory deprivation. Keep the lights on and your eyes open when feasting in bed. If you want to use the blindfold in sex, do it in another context: It doesn't pair well with food.
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