Eat on me

The Fat Guy gives us an in-depth report on the best and worst foods to eat off your lover -- and something that's even more erotic.

By Steven A. Shaw

Sep 28, 2000 | Though I eat a lot (a whole lot) I must confess I've not done much dining on women's bodies other than the occasional and predictable chocolate sauce or whipped cream in the budding stages of a college relationship. So when my editor at Salon asked me to investigate which foods are best when eaten after being smeared on your lover, my first reaction was, "several extra meals each day!" My second was to think of all the time I'd save on doing dishes. But I never anticipated how much the simple act of eating would improve -- nay, multiply -- my sexual relations with my actual wife.

Nature may not have intended the tongue to be a sexual organ, but it turns out to be the body's most effective member for erotic manipulation. No other appendage combines such strength, flexibility and lubricating ability. Indeed, there are plenty of people who admit they simply do not find sex complete without at least some oral manipulation, and the rest are lying.

But though the tongue is gifted at giving pleasure through tactile stimulation, it receives pleasure in an entirely different way: through the taste buds. And the taste of the human body, particularly of the sexual organs, can most generously be described as "interesting." The tongue is, in addition, set adjacent to the olfactory bulb, which is responsible for your sense of smell: another area in which the human sex organs do not exactly excel. Indeed, smell and taste are so inseparable that, unless you have a bad cold, you're likely to use the two in one combined sense.

According to the good doctors at Medline, "The tongue can 'taste' only sweet, salty, sour and bitter sensations. Much of what is perceived as 'taste' is actually smell." Try eating while holding your nose and you'll see. Unfortunately, if you try this while performing oral sex, you'll die.

Thus the tongue seeks other, nonsexual rewards, and my tongue has sought many on your behalf.

In order to determine the best foods for this experiment, I called my friend Chef Will (he doesn't wish his last name to be known, but he toils at one of New York's best restaurants) and asked what he thought would be best smeared on his lover's body. "It's just like any other culinary decision, really. You look for contrasts of texture, temperature and flavor. You use the best seasonal ingredients. And you strive for unique presentation." And he was serious.

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