The truth hurts

"The Ultimate Sex Test" claims it will tell women what their men are capable of, whether they want to know or not.

By Smith and Doe

Jun 12, 2000 | Have you ever privately wondered or actually asked your man, "Am I the best sex you ever had?" If you don't care about the answer, read no further -- there's nothing we can do to prolong a doomed relationship. But if you really want to be the best sex partner he's ever had, you need to analyze the entire realm of his sexuality in regard to you. If your man has already declared that you are the best sex he ever had, chances are you wondered, Is he telling me the truth? or Is he just saying that because I want to hear it? Believe this -- your man will say anything he thinks you want to hear to keep you where he wants to remain -- in a constant, non-demanding, one-sided state of being perpetually unloaded.

But really, you ask -- is it possible that a man who has bedded God knows how many women (he'll never admit to every last hosebag and hooker) can truly say, without reservation, that I am better than every single woman he has ever had sex with? Can I really believe I give the best head of all his ex-lovers? Or scream the most? Or come the most?

If you truly desire to know how you rank in his sexual pantheon, work out the formula below.

THE FORMULA: (A) + (B) + (C) = ODDS

(A) = EE + CC

(B) = GS + OC

(C) = 0BF + SI

Note: We give only odds on how you rate because there is always the possibility that there is a legendary one-nighter lodged in your man's memory, a holy shrine where he worships, that nothing you do will ever replace.

THE VARIABLES

Exclamation of Ecstasy. There are many ways by which to judge how much you are turning your man on. The Exclamation of Ecstasy measures how close your man comes to a spiritual experience when making love to you. The combination of religious fervor and physical ecstasy is the highest point a human can reach in the achievement of total sexual satisfaction. Take, for instance, Tantric Yoga, where the essence of penetration is held until one of the participants can't stand it one more second and screams, "Oh, sweet mother of God, fuck me sweet Jesus, I'm coming, I'm comirll, I'm coming, Nam yo ho renge Kyo!" This is an excellent Exclamation of Ecstasy, although many men over 55 are lost to heart attacks in the overwhelming ecstasy of it. The simplest and most universal Exclamation of Ecstasy is "Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God!" If a man repeatedly exclaims these words while having sex with you (as opposed to while praying in church or making the best putt of his life), he has lost all sense of judgment and would choose this actual moment with you over any one of his fondest fantasies. In other words, by intense and repeated Exclamations of Ecstasy he unwittingly mesmerizes himself to believe that this is the single best climax he has ever had. To determine your man's (EE), select as many choices from below that apply to the two of you, then add them to get your number.

My man exclaims, "Oh, God!"...

Repeatedly during kissing and non-sexual touching. (10)

Repeatedly during sexual foreplay. (9)

Repeatedly during lovemaking. (6)

Repeatedly while preparing for his impending climax. (3)

Repeatedly during his actual climax. (1)

Note: If he is a confirmed atheist and still exclaims, "Oh, God!" multiply each score by 2.

Calling of Climax. The Calling of Climax is man's oldest method of giving voice to sexual satisfaction. Being a totally nonverbal expression of primal pleasure, it predates verbal communication. It even predates the topic we just covered, the Exclamation of Ecstasy (which was not invented until after the discovery of God). When a man "calls climax," he is informing not only his partner but the entire world that he is having an orgasm. At this instant he truly believes the world is revolving around him. He thinks he is the happiest, luckiest, most blessed man on God's green earth. It is the Calling of Climax, and only the Calling of Climax, by which man establishes his highest degree of dominance over all other genders. To determine your man's (CC), select from the following any description that applies to him -- if more than one, add them together to arrive at your number.

When my man "calls climax" he ...

Roars like a lion. (10)

Screams like a hyena. (5)

Crows like a rooster. (4)

Groans like an ox. (3)

Shuts up like a clam. (0)

Next Page: Orgasmic capacity is quite simple to measure

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