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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Dear Cary,
I'm 23 and in a satisfying, amazing relationship with a 40-year-old man. I graduated from college a year and a half ago, and during college I never had a serious boyfriend.
After graduation I moved to NYC and got a great full-time copywriting job. I have an immense amount of responsibility, no direct boss, and write and edit every letter of copy this retail company requires. And for many months no one here knew how old I was. I bring up work because it is a part of my life that makes me feel older than I am.
For a year after I arrived in New York, I ran around relishing being an attractive, young single woman in the city. But then I met Ben. I wrote him off at first because I thought I wasn't attracted to him and I'd been in a fickle mode for so long. He suggested we hang out anyway and we did, and he was a gentleman -- we just had fun. But as time passed and I got to know him better, I realized I was falling for him.
He's in no way a typical 40-year-old. He's kind of a bohemian artist, has tons of energy, is insanely creative and very smart. In other words, I take him seriously. He's honest with me and seriously doesn't have any sort of younger-woman fetish. It doesn't at all feel like he's some older sugar daddy and I'm the young sex kitten. It feels balanced.
The problem that I've been ignoring is that I want very much to be with Ben, but not with someone who is 40. It's awkward merging our lives. I told half of my friends that he's 35. Lately, and suddenly, when I look at Ben I see his receding hairline and the flecks of gray around his temples. I'm most attracted to him when he's dressed "young" in dark, worn canvas pants and a hipster T-shirt, as opposed to a button-down shirt and jacket.
I think these feelings are coming up because he wants me to go home with him this weekend to meet his family in a city six hours away. I mumbled that the cable installer was coming on Saturday and I might have to be home for it (despite the fact that I have two roommates). Ben and I are emotionally, intellectually and physically compatible in a way I never really believed was possible, and it's so good for me to feel this. He claims it was love at first sight.
But how many levels does a relationship need to work on? What does being 40 mean?! I'm afraid if I talk to him about this (of course we've talked about it, but we're in love, have been gloriously happy, and not thinking seriously about ramifications), it will become an ominous, brooding stain, because there's no way to change things.
I trust you, Cary, and if you could give me a few words on your gut feelings I'd be extremely appreciative.
Rose-Colored Rift
Dear Rose-Colored,
My gut feeling is that it doesn't sound good. If his receding hairline and flecks of gray are bothering you already, I think the age difference may be too great. You're young. You're 23. You're just coming into your own as a woman. It's biology. Here's a guess: You may have fallen in love with him because he's the first emotionally mature man you've been with. But over the next few years, guys closer to your own age are also going to reach some level of emotional maturity, so you can combine hot physical attraction with those other qualities that come as a boy becomes a man.
If you stay with this 40-year-old guy, these little signals of his age may become more significant and burrow their way into your psyche because of the inevitable aging and loss of animal power that they represent. You may come to feel that you are trapped and losing out on youth. You're not even close to the point where such things no longer matter -- nor should you be! You're young! Take advantage of it! That's just my gut feeling, but that's what you asked for.
