Loveless at 21

Why am I always the bridesmaid and never the bride? Men like me but don't want to kiss me.

By Cary Tennis

Oct 15, 2002 |

Dear Cary,

I just turned 21, and I've never been kissed. I've never even gone out on a date. I have a happy life otherwise: I'm doing well at a good college, I have a close group of smart, funny, caring friends, I seem to have the respect of most of my professors and both my parents, and animals and small children like me. I wear clean clothes, I'm decent-looking (have been told occasionally that I'm pretty), I have a nice haircut and wear makeup occasionally, I take a shower every day, I smile a lot. I've been told often that I'm funny and a good listener and good company in general; I'm a happy person, and I laugh often, and it's not one of those honking, braying laughs that scare people.

I think my problem is the way people see me. If life were a sitcom, I'd be the willowy blonde's best friend. I'm the chubby brunette who always cracks jokes and helps the ingénue get the guy but who never ends up with him herself. I've been in that situation with several friends I've had over the years -- with the friend always getting the male attention, although I was the one to make him laugh. It's always someone else the guy's pining over, even while I'm pining over him. I'm still insecure from my middle school days, when the nasty boys would make fun of my awkward, painfully shy self; I have guy friends now, but that kind of thing is hard to shake.

Twenty-one sounds young -- sure, you could say I have all the time in the world -- but when everyone you know has been in at least one relationship, and many have kissed countless partners, it becomes pathetic. At some point, people start pitying you, and at another point they assume there must be something wrong with you, to have never even had a kiss.

I want a romance. I want desperately to know what it feels like to kiss someone. I want to be held and loved and trusted, and to hold and love and trust, to not just get that slightly sick, altogether lovely feeling at unexpectedly running into your crush, but to be able to act on those feelings. I'm not asking for a swarm of suitors; I'm just asking for one guy, a sweet, nerdy, funny guy -- it doesn't even matter what he looks like -- one of those guys who's cynical on the outside but mush inside, who understands why Jon Stewart is the funniest man on the planet (hell, Jon Stewart would be perfect), whose eyes light up to see me, who thinks I'm special and worth being with, who would pick me over the ingénue because he sees that I have something different and maybe even better. That doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it? Where the hell is this guy?

Loveless

Dear Loveless,

What a touching letter that is. I know what you're talking about, having had tall and handsome Italian friends into whose boudoirs eligible women would disappear for hours or days at a time, only to emerge to ask, How do I look? and, Do you think he likes me?

The crux of the matter is that you have to strike out on your own. Literally put some space between you and your girlfriends, and try to meet guys when they are alone as well, not when they are with groups of friends. One way to do that might be through personal ads. Another might be simply to talk to guys in classes or at other functions, but not while you and they are surrounded by friends. You have to get to know a guy one-on-one and keep him away from your girlfriends.

There is also the question of why you do this -- why you attach yourself to pretty girlfriends, why you play the role of the funny sidekick. Are you a middle child? I ask because I am a middle child, and I tend to play the sidekick as well. I tend to think of group harmony and the welfare of others before I think of capturing something for myself. It's just a guess, but did you ever notice how the top dog operates? The top dog is all about making decisions and moving, and the rest of us are all about accommodating and executing the plan. So you have to come up with a plan of your own. You have to break away from the pack and hook up with somebody else who has broken away from the pack.

Then close your eyes and don't let go.

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