Twice burned

Dear Cary,

I need a Cyrano. My story begins about eight years ago in college, when I went out with a wonderful woman. Or more of a girl, really, and I was a boy. She was beautiful, with short blond hair, brilliant blue eyes and an adorable button nose. Someone who laughed easily. Liked to be crazy and act foolishly now and then. She was loyal, sweet, madly in love with me. An incredible, wild, sexy lover that I still dream about all these years later. The only woman I've ever felt completely at home with without any of my clothes on. Did I mention she was amazing in bed?

But I wouldn't be writing if the story had a happy ending. I made a mistake probably millions of stupid men have made before me. I assumed that the passion, the fire, the infatuation that attaches to the beginning of a relationship, would last forever. When it didn't (after a couple of years), I sought it elsewhere. I broke her heart. She was understandably angry with me. I deserved it. She wouldn't speak to me. I soon regretted it, but never really had the chance to make up for it.

So the years have passed. I've fallen in and out of love. I've learned that there are more, even better parts to a relationship than the infatuation that's there at first. I've grown up. I have a good job. I'm a pretty good-looking guy. I date plenty of women who are attractive, successful, smart. Though none recently have provided any kind of inspiration. None that I can see myself with one, five, ten years from now. In bed on a Sunday morning together. Going for a drive with our dog hanging its head out the window. Having children.

And an interesting thing has happened recently. Girl, now woman, and I have started speaking again. On the phone, in person, over e-mail. I think about her a lot. Part of me loves her again -- I guess a small part always has. And I think she feels the same way but won't admit it to herself. But I can tell in a way that one can read a former lover. I know what it means when she looks at me when she tilts her head slightly to the left, when the tone of her voice gets slightly higher, sweeter. I know when her laugh is genuine. Or when she laughs despite herself. And I thought to myself that maybe, if she still loved me after all these years, she would be willing to try again. But if she stopped loving me, and now I am a new guy who she obviously likes to talk to and spend time with, why not start something fresh?

But despite our renewed friendship, bad feelings still linger. Her parents, her friends, would not be happy if we got back together. Trying again with me would entail more than just going on a date and having a good time. It would mean having to explain to everyone in her life that she was giving that jerk another chance. Or maybe dredging up feelings that she'd rather not. She has indicated to me, though not directly, that she is not up for it.

And yet I can't help but think that if she did give it a chance, it could work again. And I'm not asking her to marry me. I'm not asking her to be my girlfriend. All I want is for her to be open to the idea. To go out on a date. A romantic date. Where at the end of the night I kiss her on the lips and we both see how it feels. See if there is anything. And then decide where we go from there. And I need the words, an idea, a strategy to convince her to try. What do I say? What do I do? Help me, Cary, you're my only hope. When we get married, you'll be the first to get the invitation.

Needing a Cyrano

Dear Needing a Cyrano,

Sorry, I'm not in favor of this. I'm not on your side here. You need to let this one go. The worst thing a man can do is claim that he knows what a woman is really feeling when she tells him otherwise. In that direction, my friend, lies only madness and pain. Trust me on this one. That look, that tilt of the head, may signal that she still has some tender feelings for you, but once you've broken a woman's heart, once you've betrayed her, destroyed her trust and become a deceiver in the eyes of her family and friends, you are toast. There's no way you are going to have a romance with this woman again. What's worse, because she may still have some feelings for you, you might be able to get her drunk and screw her and pretend that it's a fresh romance. That would be low. Cut your losses and stop bothering her.

Better yet, take it a step further and do the really stand-up thing: Sit her down and tell her that you realize you screwed up, you missed your chance, and from now on as a way of making amends you're going to be her steadfast and loyal friend, no strings attached. Her girlfriends will be impressed. And when she finally finds the right guy, maybe you'll be allowed to attend the wedding, where all her girlfriends will be smelling really good and wearing their best underwear.

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