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Monday, Nov 9, 2009
My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and the sex is wonderful, but he loses his erection before he finishes.
Sep 24, 2002 |
Dear Cary,
I am currently in perhaps the healthiest and most wonderful relationship of my life. I am happy with my boyfriend, and we've been together many months now. We talk about everything, and he's the first person I've felt that I can be completely myself around. I'm completely in love. He's exactly the man I've looked for all my life.
Except for one thing.
Sexually, we're extremely compatible and active. We have the same kinks, and we're not shy about sharing them. The only problem is, he's not big into actual intercourse, because he has trouble finishing. He loses his erection during sex. In the beginning of our relationship, he explained that this was a peculiarity of his, that he often stresses out about finishing and that it makes him not able to. That his brain fills with all sorts of distractions. He said that he never has been able to finish inside a woman and that it shouldn't be any reflection on me. He has said that I've gotten him closer to that than any other woman he's been with -- but I'm not sure if he's just saying this to make me feel better, or if it's actually true. He makes up for it by being very competent in the areas of satisfying his partner.
It's not something I would break up with him over -- we have a great sex life together and are very creative about satisfying each other. But, it does concern me for the future -- and I have to admit, there is a selfish part of me that does want him to be able to orgasm while we're having intercourse. It feels like a "dirty little secret," something that I can't really talk to my friends about, because any time I've brought up something similar, they say it's weird or strange. I try not to attach stigma to it, since this has become more or less normal for me -- but I've generally had to change the whole way I look at sex. I sometimes miss that moment that a guy (of course, with all possible forms of protection in place) reaches that moment, and then pulls you into his arms, breathlessly. We girls always get kind of a thrill out of that moment. I've learned to reframe that thrill into the moment where a deftly applied hand job or blow job does the trick, but it's just not the same.
My best friend, who is the only one I've confided in about this, has said that I should just hang in there, be supportive of him, and if it really bothers me, ask him to talk to his therapist about it. I'm scared of pushing him away or creating more anxiety for him.
I'd like to think that there's something that can be done for him -- if nothing else, if he's "the one," I'd like us to be able to make babies the old-fashioned way. And I know he does, too. He's told me so.
Sincerely,
(insert clever name here)
Dear Insert Clever Name Here,
Perhaps the reason he becomes so tense during intercourse is that he is overly concerned about being a competent and efficient love machine. You say that he is extremely conscientious and skilled and so forth; it's possible he's a sexual overachiever, to whom the desired result you describe may represent a kind of failure. He may also have had some unsatisfying or traumatic experiences of rejection early on that he never wishes to repeat, and so he has resolved to be an excellent lover in all these other ways but has sacrificed the opportunity to let go, to surrender, at this crucial moment. He may also have some deep fear of making you pregnant.
Or it could be a thousand other things that you and I can't even imagine, things only doctors and therapists know about. There's probably a Latin name for it.
You and he have been together only a few months, you say. He may not feel safe yet; he may still fear that if he isn't the 60-minute man, that if he doesn't provide the deluxe all-purpose detail and finish job, that you won't stick around. If it is indeed an issue of trust, or fear of abandonment, if you stick together a while longer he may get comfortable enough with you for this to happen.
The sad thing is, when he becomes comfortable, he may get lazy, and then you'll be writing to me saying the sex used to be fantastic and now it's getting boring.
Meanwhile, if it's really weighing on you, I would suggest that you first learn as much as possible about the issue from outside sources -- books, scholarly articles, etc. But if you absolutely feel you must discuss it with him, I would start by asking him to talk about it with his therapist, and ask him what he or she says.
You know, it sounds like everything is just great between you two, and it would be a shame to get all twisted up about this. So go easy on it.
