Dear Cary,

I was dating a fellow grad student for seven months. We called it "high-risk dating" because we're in the same study group and are neighbors in the dorm, but we agreed we would try to preserve our friendship if things didn't work out. He seemed like a great guy, well-liked on campus with a large circle of friends. In retrospect, he was often inconsiderate, seemed more concerned about managing his social network than building a relationship, but we were very happy together and he never wanted to spend a night apart.

We're spending the summer in separate cities for our internships. During our first month apart he would call in between social engagements, talk for five minutes and get rid of me to "talk to his mother." Things didn't feel right, and I called him on it. He denied there was anything wrong and insisted that he loved me. Then three days before I was supposed to fly out to meet his parents he calls to tell me that "something doesn't feel right" and he's not sure he wants to marry me. (Not that I ever suggested marriage!) He blamed me for his crummy behavior, mainly that he thought I worried too much about finding a summer job and making money to support myself during the school year. (Nevermind that I ended up finding a great job that pays well!) On top of that, he didn't think I should fly out to see him, because "what if his feelings don't change?" It was apparent he had made up his mind, I would never probably know the true story and there was no room for discussion. He didn't even offer to pay for the canceled plane ticket.

He hasn't called since our last conversation a month ago but sent a lame e-mail reiterating that he loves me but "something isn't quite right." I let him know that things were definitely over but I wanted to be on civil terms by the time school starts. School starts next month, and we will probably be in a few of the same classes. My suite is filled with things he stored for the summer. Our friends are scheduling parties we are both invited to. I think I've been treated poorly and am angry about it. How can I even begin to be civil to this person? How do I resist the temptation to call Goodwill to pick up his furniture?

Aspiring to Sainthood

Dear Aspiring Saint,

Depending on how much stuff there is, either rent a storage space for it and send him the bill, or give his things to a mutual acquaintance from whom he can pick them up. You will have to pay the first installment on the storage if you choose that route; assume that he may not pay you back. But make sure the subsequent bills go to him. After that, it's his choice: If he doesn't pay, he can forfeit his belongings, but it's not your responsibility.

Having disposed of the evidence of his existence, regard him in as neutral a way as possible. Treat him as nothing more than an acquaintance. I know you must be a seething cauldron of emotion about this, but it's a failed relationship and it's over.

One note: Your communications with him, at least as you describe them, sound alarmingly vague and incoherent, particularly for people engaged in academic postgraduate study. You can't be studying English, because if you were, you wouldn't have been able to write me a coherent letter at all. So perhaps you are studying sociology, or religion, or botany; if so, try to bring to your future human relations some of the verbal precision required by your chosen discipline. Otherwise, your relationships will be plagued with misunderstandings about whether, for instance, you are engaged to be married.

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