Sunday, Jul 6, 2008
Is it true that if you love someone you have to set them free?
Aug 20, 2002 |
Dear Cary,
I've been with my boyfriend for over three and a half years. We are best friends, we make each other laugh, we are compatible in all the important ways.
One thing has been lacking for a long time, and that is intimacy. Somewhere along the line we stopped having sex and stopped being romantic. We didn't stop the sex completely, but it was infrequent; maybe twice a month or so. This is a problem that has hounded us for the past two years and we swore we'd go to counseling and then we put it off.
Four weeks ago we started going to counseling. Within a week he had completely withdrawn from me. He didn't want to be touched, he didn't want to be affectionate, he didn't want to kiss. These were things we always did.
It's three weeks later and he's now moved in with a friend temporarily and is considering moving out completely. We've lived together two and a half years. He claims we "need some time apart." He feels we've been living as friends for so long that nothing will change unless we really change things. I am terrified I am just losing him and he is subconsciously finding a way to dump me. I am also wondering at what point do I become a complete doormat (he is spending all his time with his friends and before he moved out he was literally staying out all night, without calling me to say where he was or when he was coming back). I feel like we're practically married (common-law-wise, we are) and this is completely unacceptable behavior for a married man, to just abandon his wife when he feels low.
Should I assume he is breaking up with me and end it now? Or do you think this is a reasonable thing for him to want and I am not being a doormat for letting him go for a while? I feel like he isn't really "spending time apart" from me; he's simply spending way more time with his buddies, pretending he doesn't have a girlfriend.
(P.S. This isn't about his seeing someone else -- yes, I'm positive. Oh, and we are still seeing the counselor through all of this.)
Nauseous and Still in Love
Dear Nauseous,
It sure sounds to me like he's breaking up with you. If I were you, I would accept that you two are breaking up and move on. In fact, I think you should try to break up with him before he officially breaks up with you.
Remember the letter last week from the woman who couldn't get over her anger at her ex? Someone wrote in and pointed out that I had ignored the issue of power, and that this woman's anger likely had much to do with the power dynamics between her and her ex -- that if she concentrated on how she finally stopped being a victim and ended the relationship, she would feel much better. In your case as well, I would be remiss if I didn't raise the issue of power, especially since you expressed a concern about at what point you "become a complete doormat." It seems your boyfriend has all the power and you're waiting around to see what he does. So it might help if you took some positive steps. In other words, kick him out. Break up with him. Cry a lot and let it go.
And, assuming this therapist isn't completely incompetent -- you went there for help with your relationship and it immediately fell apart? -- it would be good to keep seeing the therapist, on your own, to learn some new tools and behaviors for your next relationship.
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