Coming clean

I've been faking orgasms for 10 years, but now I want to stop. Should I tell my husband?

By Cary Tennis

Jul 30, 2002 |

Dear Cary,

I've been dating a man for the last four months who is delightful in just about every way. He's kind, courteous, generous, courtly. Our values are in line, our life goals are similar, the sex is ka-POW. But there's this thing: His table manners are atrocious. He doesn't forgo silverware altogether, but his hands are often in the plate. He chews with his mouth open. He wipes his mouth with his hand, then wipes his hand on his pants. I know, I know: If his table manners are my only issue, then what am I complaining about? But it makes me nuts -- and makes me want to avoid eating with him, be it at home or at a restaurant.

I've always believed that it's evil to pair up with a guy and then try to change him. And I don't want to be anyone's mother. But the positives make it difficult for me to think about bailing (except at mealtimes).

Should I tell him? If so, what to say so I don't sound like Miss Manners (God save her), his mother or my mother?

Dating Meal-Free in S.F.

Dear Meal-Free Dater,

You might try inquiring, in a neutral way, about how and where he grew up, and what his family life was like. Try to build a picture in your mind of his house and his childhood. Gather details. Tell him how your family ate, and ask him how his family ate. Did they eat together, or did everyone fend for himself? Were there many siblings? Did his mother or father cook? Did they cook well, or were they fairly indifferent to the culinary arts? Did they ever eat out? Was it his father or his mother who taught him to hold his fork like a character in a slasher movie? Well, no, don't ask that. Be gentle and just find out.

You and he probably have different class backgrounds -- either the class you come from or the class your family aspired to. If you can talk about that in a nonjudgmental way, you can discuss table manners as just one of many elements of your different backgrounds. Your class difference could even be a shared obstacle to happiness. You could be Romeo and Juliet!

You are not responsible for where you come from. You are responsible for what you do now. The question about changing him or not changing him hinges on whether he wants to change. If he has higher social and occupational aspirations, he will need to acquire some table manners. If he wants to change and he's merely ignorant, you can help him. You can show him how to hold a fork. But you can't make him care what you or others think. If he doesn't give a damn, and you do, you ought to find somebody else to eat with.

Next Page: Is it rude to be poor?

• View blog reactions