Rites revenge

Dear Cary,

I am a 27-year-old male and I have been seeing a 24-year-old woman for about seven months now. We are in love, and things are pretty fantastic. We are also very different. When it comes to arguments, this is a problem. I tend to avoid conflict like the plague. She, on the other hand, has told me that she sometimes deliberately picks fights. She is used to arguments and has been in abusive relationships. I have been sheltered from conflict most of my life. I never fought with my family, and I am not very assertive and don't express anger very well. When we fight, even about stupid, petty things, I get very upset and I resent her for daring to argue with me. I get upset about everything, and I know it frustrates her. Lately I have come very close to breaking up with her on several occasions, just because I can't handle the conflict. She is afraid one of these days I will follow through and actually leave her, and this scares me too. I don't want to leave her. Even worse, I am afraid I will take out all my pent-up anger on her.

On the other hand, her willingness to pick fights makes me very nervous about mentioning certain things to her that bother me. I am always afraid it will start a fight. As a result, I keep it inside. It's not a good situation: She is afraid of upsetting me, and I am afraid of conflict. How can I learn to deal with this, and why do I always want to break up with her when we fight?

Mr. Frustrated

Dear Mr. Frustrated,

I know exactly what you are talking about; you have described a common pattern with admirable clarity. You are certainly not alone in this. I think, since you have the issues so clearly defined, it's the kind of situation a trained counselor could be very useful in helping you to sort out. There are probably triggers, habits of communication, and patterns from the past that are amenable to change with just a little effort in a structured setting. That's what I'd do. I'd consult a counselor or therapist, explain the pattern, and see if you and your girlfriend could spend a few months working this out. I think your chances are very good of seeing some positive change and being able to stick together without ruining everything. The alternative -- to do nothing or hope it gets better -- may well lead to a breakup, which would be a shame if you're otherwise so well suited to each other.

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