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Saturday, Nov 28, 2009
Dear Cary,
I've been married to a wonderful woman for six and a half years. We have two beautiful daughters and everything is great, but I have an ethical dilemma that has bothered me for years. Thirteen years ago, long before I met my wife, I got busted in a prostitution sting. I started to fight the charge but ultimately pled no contest and I received a $1 fine. In my profession, to get security clearances I occasionally have to disclose the arrest and the disposition. Before I met my wife, I was elected to public office in my small town and even though I assumed I would have to somehow publicly explain my arrest record, it never became an issue. My family and close friends all knew about it so I figured I could handle the embarrassment. But that was in 1990 before I even met my current wife.
Having a "dirty little secret" bothers the hell out of me. It could be revealed to her in any number of ways and I would have some explaining to do about why I never told her. Not to mention the guilt from hiding something from my wife. After we met and started to get serious, I figured I would tell her sometime later when she could put it in the context that I'm really not a bad guy even though at one time I mistakenly thought that a $20 blow job from an attractive policewoman was a good idea. But I never told her because she made a remark about how if she were Liz Hurley she would have dumped Hugh Grant in a heartbeat and if I ever did anything like that she would cut my dick off.
I replied that lots of people make mistakes and mumbled something about forgiveness and then she went ballistic about how prostitution was wrong and degrading to women and a bunch of other stuff that kind of precluded me from making a true confession if I ever wanted to have sex with her again. Well, before the subject came up again we got married and started having babies. Even now, if the topic of prostitution comes up in conversation, she goes into the same spiel.
If the tables were turned, I know I really wouldn't want to know about my wife's past transgressions, but if she found out about mine, it would be a pretty big deal. I think she would feel betrayed and wouldn't trust me anymore no matter what I said. On the other hand, does she really trust me now, if her trust is based on less than full disclosure? While I certainly think honesty is pretty important, wouldn't spilling the beans cause more harm than good?
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering
I would tell her. By hiding it, you are exposing her and your children to the risk of an upsetting exposure should she or they find out by chance. You are risking your reputation and theirs, and your marriage. You have already demonstrated a weakness for politics; another run for public office might engender a thorough public-records search that would easily uncover your arrest. You should tell her not so much to ease your own conscience but to lessen the risk of harm to her and your children and to relieve the subliminal burden of worry that is no doubt having a subtle but corrosive effect on your marriage.
If this had happened while you were married, the certain harm of telling her might outweigh the potential harm of her finding out unsuspectingly; in that case, you might have no right to tell her. It would be your worrisome secret to live with. But the fact that it happened before you knew your wife is a mitigating, if not an exonerating, circumstance. You did not betray your wife, because you did not know her. What you betrayed were your values, and your respect for the law; let's assume that you have made up for those betrayals by your continued observance of the law since the infraction.
When you tell your wife this, the question of your current views on prostitution will likely arise. It would not be an opportune time to argue for the labor rights of sex workers. Nor would it be wise to denounce the evils of police entrapment. It would be a good time for you to admit that because of how you were raised, and because of your relative youth, you did not perceive the systemic wrong of which illegal prostitution is not only a symbol but a symptom. It's a complex issue bedeviled by theoretical questions such as, What if prostitution were legal? and What are women's rights in the matter? But you are not going to win any theoretical arguments as long as your wife is imagining you in handcuffs.
You can safely assure her that this act in your past is not something the man she married would do. It's something done a long time ago by that other, younger, more callow, less worldly boy-man out of whose chrysalis you were born. You might express some gratitude to her that you met her when you did, after you had time to grow up a little, so you were ready for her. People change. We change each other. When we find out that something might hurt someone we love, we decide not to do it. So if you can reassure her and prepare her for the remote possibility that it might one day be revealed, perhaps she will be grateful to you for your courage. Then again, you might spend a few nights on the couch. Either way, in the long run, I think all concerned will be better off, and you will have done the right thing.
