Big issues, big answers

Dear Cary

I have been in an absolutely wonderful relationship for a year now. We are insanely attracted to each other, have very similar personalities and interests and our conflicts are few and far between.

Recently, I have become somewhat concerned that he may be wishing I were someone else. Our only basic differences are that he has a postgraduate education and has traveled extensively, whereas these are all things I desperately want to do. The contrasts in our family lives are the main reason that he has had all of these wonderful opportunities, while I am having to pay my own way for everything, and still trying to scrape the money together.

I do not harbor any animosity toward him due to his great luck -- but I fear that he wants a woman who is overly educated and worldly, not one who merely wants to be. Just because I have not had all of these opportunities, yet am working to do so, is that a fundamental character conflict? Of course I can't talk about my wonderful experiences in Lithuania, but one day I will be able to. Are common interests as good as common experiences?

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I love my wife but I'm not sexually attracted to her --what should I do?

Getting There, in Minneapolis

Dear Getting There,

The feeling I get is that you see yourself in a subordinate position. Why have you handed him all the cards? Do you feel socially inferior? The cold reality of the situation is that class privileges do matter. The only way to even them out is by finding the strength within yourself to make demands not based on privilege but on rights and on the sheer power of your own personality. I know that sounds sort of p.c. or revolutionary, but all I really mean is having some pride and some backbone. If you feel that he's dissatisfied with you or he's going to dump you or something, challenge him on it. Find out how he feels. If there is a deep class difference, if he wants a woman from his own economic class, challenge him. Tell him that the strength you bring to the relationship comes from "coming up hard," as they say on "The Wire": from having to make your own way in the world, and having to gain insights about it for your own survival. Tell him that you have a kind of strength that privileged, overly educated women are not likely to have. Offer to be his life partner, if that's what you want. Tell him what you want from him: that you want the kind of experiences he has had, that you want him to share his life with you. And then plan a trip with him. Make it concrete. Privileged guys have too many options; you have to pin them down.

And then, if he doesn't get it, if he dithers, dump him like what's left of the yard sale. If you don't, if you stick around waiting for him to change, he'll probably dump you. What you need is a man who will stake his life on you, who would take a bullet for you, who's ready for you now, who, if he had the money, would take you to Mount Kilimanjaro in an afternoon if you asked him to. That's what you need. If you lay it on the line with this guy, and he won't stake his life on you, I would be cold about it and figure that, however lovely your relationship is now, he's just another privileged dilettante and there's no real future.

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