Dear Cary,

My life is almost too good be true right now. I've got a beautiful, charming 5-year-old daughter whom I adore; an amazingly good relationship with my ex-husband and his wife; a loving, close-knit family; and a promising career. I've also just purchased my first home. I even have a relationship with a man I truly respect and love, but (and you knew it was coming -- why else would I be writing?) I don't know how he feels about me.

We've known each other for 15 years and dated off and on (more off than on). We have always maintained contact when we were seeing other people and have been good friends. Last year, I sent him an e-mail telling him in no uncertain terms that although I knew he was living with his girlfriend and loved her, I knew in my heart he was "the one" and I regretted letting him get away. Within two weeks, he showed up at my house unannounced and said his relationship was over with her. We never really talked about it; we just started going out. He spends time with me and my daughter, we go on trips, we just hang out, we have incredible sex. He's supportive, affectionate, respectful, considerate -- in short and in my eyes, he's perfect, except that he won't tell me he loves me.

I've blurted it out to him on more than one occasion and he doesn't react or speak at all, and it's killing me. I know I should just ask him, but I can't seem to summon enough nerve. I love the relationship exactly the way it is, I don't want to be married right now, and I'm happy, but I can't get past this one issue. It keeps me awake at night, but at the same time, I'm too much of a chickenshit to just confront him about it because I don't want anything to change. His actions in every way indicate that he does love me, so should I just keep my mouth shut until he's ready to say it to me?

Oh, yeah, by the way, the reason we broke up five years ago was because I was sleeping with another guy (whom I married and had a child with), so there might be some trust issues involved here.

Confused in Atlanta

Dear Confused,

Oh, yeah, by the way, there might indeed be some trust issues here. There might be some infidelity issues here. There might be some revenge issues here. There might be some real pain and anger from that time when you were going out with this guy but sleeping with someone else whom you went off and married and had a baby with and then divorced. There might be some issues about how, once divorced, you called up the old flame who was by then living with his girlfriend and told him he was really the one after all. And oh, yeah, there might be one pissed-off girlfriend who for all you know is waiting for the boyfriend to come back the minute he's through with you.

And he might not be saying he loves you because he might not feel that way about you. He might just be enjoying the shift in power relations and feel no loyalty to you at all, on top which maybe deep down he'd like to even the score by walking out on you once you're good and tender. He probably knows he can go back to her and say you didn't mean a thing to him and he was only trying to help you in your moment of crisis after your painful divorce and nothing really happened and please baby please. He probably knows you might be mistaken again, that -- Surprise! -- he really isn't the one after all, it just seemed like it to you at the time. And what would be surprising or new about that? It would all be rather predictable. Yeah, there might be some issues here. There might be some issues indeed.

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