Dear Cary,

Forgive me for sounding like every other psycho Manhattan chick with a skim latte in her hand, but am I ever going to find anybody? I am worried that being so professionally driven and independent will prevent me from connecting with someone special and keep me intimidating men forever.

I'm smart, outgoing and attractive enough that men would consider sleeping with and also dating me. I've had boyfriends, one-night stands, flings, love affairs, seductions, dates, etc. ... but maybe John Gray is right -- am I intimidating the commitment power right out of men?

I am an intensely creative and emotional person. I consider myself an individual and though I seek a companion, I don't necessarily see myself starting a family, nor do I think women need to in order to find fulfillment. But is it true that I can "just be myself" and still find someone?

I do want to meet someone who's attractive, successful, intelligent, and very interested in growing, experiencing and changing. Am I being unreasonable?

I guess my question is, what the f-ck do men these days want? Martha Stewart, Judith Light, Britney Spears, John Gray? Because if I have to be a pushover in order to find love, I'll go out and buy some cats and more or bigger dildos right now.

Insane Single Chick

Dear Insane Single Chick,

I believe you have just gotten something off your chest. That's a start. But if you want to do more than vent, if the questions you pose are really causing you pain, it's because they are not framed in a way that invites answers. They are either too broad -- "What do men want?" -- or too narrow -- "Is it this or is it that?" The kind of questions that will be productive for you to answer are small, personal questions that refer to the real world that you and I know and deal with every day.

If you and I have any common ground it is in the area of creativity. I don't know what you mean by "creative," exactly, but if you are involved in painting, drawing, music, dance, performance, sculpture, architecture or writing, that is probably the medium you can use to answer the questions that actually can be answered, the answers to which will add up to a concrete portrait of who you are and what's going on in your life, why you are frustrated and angry and impatient.

So I suggest that you back up from your frustration and your list of entry requirements and look at your own life creatively as it is now: What do you love now? What are you painting? When are you happy? Are you happy when you're playing music? Do you like men in general? What is it about men that you like? Is there a man you like now? What do you like about him? Do you like the way men walk, the way they smell, the way they talk? What do you take pleasure in? Do you think there is anyone in the world who is as important as you are? Do you find yourself imagining what other people think about you? Do you think people will think better of you if you are on the arm of an attractive man? Do you think you have the right to order men about? What, specifically, would a happy relationship be like?

It is possible to live without torturing yourself or others. But it helps to concentrate on specifics, on the little things, and not to throw words about just hoping to hit something. As to the books that promise things like love, fulfillment and happiness: They're junk. Don't believe a word of it.

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