Site Presented By
Tuesday, Nov 10, 2009
Dear Cary,
How do I learn to maintain a normal life when, in fact, I'm an absolute wreck? A year ago February my mom died, and a month ago, my once sweet relationship ended. (I'm 28.) My boyfriend couldn't deal with the tectonic shift in my emotional makeup. He stopped being kind and thoughtful, didn't want to be leaned on, and I put up with a lot while waiting for him to go back to how he used to be. Or maybe how I thought he was. And in the meantime I cried and cried and cried, which he handled badly.
On the outside I have a promising career and swell friends and good grades in law school and a publication agreement for a paper. I have a nice dog, can paint and play the piano. Objectively, I don't have anything to complain about. But on the inside I am at sea and so lonely it's hardly bearable. My dad turns 70 this summer, which makes me think morbidly of having no more family. (I have a sister but can't rely on her to be nice.) When I spend time alone, like weekends, it's all I can do to hold myself together. I've cried on sidewalks, on airplanes, in libraries and museums and gardens and coffee shops. It's rather embarrassing, not to mention miserable. Yes, I'm in therapy and have no history of depression.
I sort of want to branch out and meet some new people, but I feel it's almost irresponsible to introduce myself to anyone, since I'm liable to cry answering a routine personal question. I'm OK when I'm acting sort of friendly and "up." But that's exhausting and misleading. And anyway most people seem to be looking for a good time, which I can't really offer.
So. I'm pretty sick and tired of myself. What's my next move? I keep thinking this weather will break, but the forecast does not look good.
Sensitive San Francisco Girl
Dear San Francisco Girl,
You've had some tough blows and you have a right to be sad: Your mother died a year ago. That is huge. And at the time when you needed him, your boyfriend abandoned you emotionally. That is not only huge but heinous. And you're seeing signs that your father is aging, which hints at the frightening truth of mortality and threatens further abandonment. Anyone would be grieving and experiencing deep, terrifying loneliness. Your feelings seem quite appropriate.
But there are also clues in your letter that your orientation to life may have left you, more than others, particularly susceptible to the surprising brutality of these emotions. You say that "objectively" you have nothing to complain about, and you refer to law school and playing the piano, and you refer to lonely weekends. This is only conjecture, but if you are an introverted, thinking, judging type, these blows may be particularly hard for you for a number of reasons. If you are introverted and thinking, your bond with your mother may have been one of the few deep emotional, feeling-based relationships in your life. And you may find it hard to forge such bonds.
Your boyfriend may also be a strongly thinking type, which would account for his backing away from your emotional turmoil. (That's so sad; if only he could see it intellectually, in moral or ethical terms instead of emotional ones, he might understand what a terrible thing he has done to abandon you at such a time.) And, if you are a judging type, it was probably a clean unambiguous break, leaving little time for the kind of interim support a more gradual separation might have provided.
Studying law, painting and playing the piano can be intensely logical and solitary activities; they don't have to be, but for someone inclined to solitude and rigorous thought, they can hold out the promise of some sort of solace in times of grief. But it is not the kind of solace you need. You have been hurt by a loss of people. You need some human warmth and support -- and not the harsh, reasoning support of law students, but a more unconditional emotional support, the kind of support you perhaps got from your mother when she was alive.
Other things you say are similarly telling. For instance, you refer to being OK when you are "acting sort of friendly and 'up,'" but say, "that's exhausting and misleading." That is truer than you perhaps realize. If you are strongly introverted, acting outgoing is taxing and unnatural -- and it offends your loyalty to the inner logic of your own emotional life. Unfortunately, you may feel you must do that in order to be in human company and find new friends, because you have been abandoned by those you depended on. Add to that you sister's apparent lack of sympathy and you paint a picture of isolated bereavement. No wonder you're breaking down in public.
But you, more than most, have the capacity to understand your situation and distribute your energy according to your needs. The terminology I am using comes from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator; it's something I've found extremely useful at times. If your therapist can help you identify and understand your type, I think you would benefit greatly. If he or she can't, or won't, I suggest you undertake a study of your type on your own. It's not that the inner logic holding the world together has broken down; it's just that you've encountered a series of extremely tough blows that you may be particularly susceptible to. Once you understand your fundamental strengths and weaknesses a little better, I think you will get through this and flourish.
