Dear Cary,

I dated this guy for a few months and about a year ago he called it quits by mumbling, "I'm very happy with you but I think that, in the long run, I'd be happier with someone else, so we should not waste our time." I admit this was a first for me (not being dumped, but being dumped that way)! I was devastated for a while but finally put myself back together (sort of). We work in the same office, enjoy the same sports. I'm not exactly sure what was wrong with our dating, but I suspect it has something to do with

  • my religion (I'm in the process of converting to his, but his is as much of an ethnicity as a religion)
    •
  • my age (I'm four years older than him and passed the third decade last year)
  • my opinionated self (I have an excellent memory and just happen to be right quite often; I promise I will work on my attitude)
  • I would like to live in Europe as opposed to the U.S.
  • all of the above

It got more complicated. Since we have the same center of interests we started hanging out quite often. We have for about eight months managed to avoid being each other's "special naked friend." I also have tried somewhat successfully to date other people. The problem is that his behavior tends to draw me back to him: He fills my fridge with my favorite foods when I go on a trip. He wakes up in the middle of the night to come pick me up at the airport even though I assure him I will take a cab. He buys me flowers and gifts. He calls me every day and visits my office several times a day. He hugs me and massages my back. All things considered, he is a fantastic platonic boyfriend. He also will also do things like invite me to a family friend's wedding, and then in the following weeks he will go out on a flurry of first dates with seemingly random women.

I am quite confused by this fellow. Can you make any sense of his actions? Is he feeling bad about breaking up with me and trying to make it up to me? They say women are complicated but ...

What's love anyway? Does anyone really think about this stuff?

Not Complicated ... Compared to Him

Dear Not Complicated,

I can't make any sense out of his actions at all. Perhaps they have no purpose. Perhaps they are random flailings in a sea of desperate testosterone. Or perhaps they are just utterly selfish. They do seem completely unlike any actions one might take to signal a coherent purpose or further some clear plan. Maybe he simply acts on a wide range of impulses without regard for the totality of their meaning. Some guys are like that. They just do things. They don't feel they have to make sense.

To you, however, it probably feels like he's not giving adequate consideration to your role in his fun little life. That's probably what he was trying to tell you when he broke up with you -- that he wasn't planning, or able, to give you that consideration, to act coherently, to make sense, to snap out of it. And now, since he's given you notice, he probably feels that he has no more obligation to you to behave in ways that are pleasing, or even comprehensible. In the war game that is love, he has won. You have zero leverage. He can do whatever he pleases.

Would you prefer a guy whose actions make sense? Find a guy like that. It's not enough for a guy to do things that sort of make it seem like he likes you, if all it does is drive you crazy.

Recent Stories