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Saturday, Nov 28, 2009
Dear Smitten Kitten Who Lost her Mittens,
I do not think that having sex early in a relationship necessarily harms its prospects for longevity. It might simply be a sign that he is the one! And if you are both ready to go for it, rules are going to be of little use to you. My wife and I fell in love rather suddenly. We did not have what you would call a long and elaborate courtship. And while such a courtship might make a good story, I fail to see how it would provide a stronger foundation for a marriage than the simple, immediate certainty that this is the person one wants to be with.
As to how a man might change once he seduces a woman: If he is primarily interested in the conquest and loses interest afterwards, delaying it will not change that; it will only mean you spend more time unfulfilled and wondering what will happen next. So what's the point? -- unless you're prepared to try stringing him along the rest of your life, including during courtship, engagement and after marriage. And if you are, would you please report yourself to the police so they can warn him?
I think you're just going to have to improvise now. Your Rules are already broken.
Dear Cary,
I'm a single 33-year-old who has fallen madly in love with my son's 29-year-old teacher at school. It was electric from the beginning. We are intensely (physically) attracted to each other, and emotionally, it was like we'd known each other all our lives. And we both love each other very much. If you ever looked for the definition of "soul mates" you would see our picture there.
The problem? She's always had a boyfriend, and has been living with him for five years. When I met her 11 months ago she told me she had a boyfriend but that they had been having problems for a long time and she was going to soon move out. She knew he wasn't "the one" and she wanted to get to know me better. We talked on the phone multiple times almost every day, including a $700 long-distance bill when she was at her family's house last summer on vacation. We leave each other notes and cards and occasionally give each other gifts. She comes to see me at my office every now and then. We've kissed quite a few times and were with each other physically a few times (although we never slept together).
Her boyfriend knows about me. He checked the call logs on her cellphone after the first couple of months and found and called my number. He has the code to her cellphone voice mail and calls it many times a day to listen to her messages. He checks her personal e-mail. He's called and threatened me once and even threw her around the room and hurt her in a fight about me. When pressed, she admits to him when she sees me and that we've been together. He is very insecure and still wants to be with her very much.
She has been saying for 11 months that she wants me and sees us together in the future. She asks me to be patient, but doesn't expect me to sit idle and wait for her. She tells me "soon," but then stays with him. She knows it won't work with him but stays because it's "comfortable." We still talk frequently, but when I ask her about moving out she gets quiet and (sad) emotional. She says she loves him, but is not in love with him. She said she's just weak and hasn't been able to do it.
What should I do? What course should I plot?
All Dressed Up With Nowhere to Go
Dear Dressed Up,
This teacher is in a dangerous situation. She has to leave this guy. Violent, controlling, insecure boyfriends are the ones who end up beating and killing their girlfriends. Perhaps because of an authoritarian upbringing she is comfortable with an authoritarian structure and so is not as alarmed as she should be by this man's behavior. But snooping in her e-mail, listening to her voice mail, threatening her friends and physically abusing her goes over the line. She may not realize how much danger she is in.
While you have a responsibility to help her leave, you are probably not the one to convince her; it would be too easy for her to believe that you just want her to leave him to be with you. What she needs is more objective allies that she trusts, with whom she is not romantically involved, and perhaps who have had similar experiences. Depending on her politics, her background (she may be accustomed to abuse) and her personality structure, those key allies might be other female teachers, her principal, her boss, a clergyman, a family member or friend, etc., and the mode of her decision-making might be collaborative or it might be authoritarian; that is, she might need to talk it through and come to her own decision, or she might simply need to be ordered by an authority figure to leave him. Either way, the bottom line is, she needs to get out of there, and you need to do what you can to make that happen. If I were you I would talk to a person at a domestic abuse shelter about the best way to proceed.
Good luck. Don't kid around. She needs to leave this guy.
