Thursday, Jul 24, 2008
Dear Cary,
I'm a woman in love with a man, and he loves me. We live thousands of miles from each other, but have been having an unlikely and beautiful love affair for six months. Now we suddenly have the chance to abandon our posts and relocate anywhere we want.
Recently, I told him that we should relocate somewhere together. He said that he couldn't have his love for me clouding his vision right now, and that it's absolutely critical at this time that we view our lives as separate from each other, so that we can make the right decisions about our futures. He says he loves me and that he is actively trying to exclude me from his decision-making process in the same breath. I believe what he says, and I believe that he sees no contradiction in this. I also believe that he has his head up his ass.
If I think someone is beautiful and fun, if I have nothing but affection and respect for him -- then I will tell him that I like him a lot. If I get dizzy every time I see him, if he causes me to have revelations, if I want to protect him from his fears, if I want to meet his mother and thank her for raising him -- then I will tell him that I love him. If I feel like I need to include him in my future, then I will tell him that I love him. I thought I understood this distinction, but I guess I don't. Am I wrong to assume that a declaration of love means a promise of things to come?
Does "I love you" necessarily mean different things to men and women? When a man tells you that he loves you, what the hell does that mean, anyway?
Looking for a Future
P.S. This sounds like a topic for a Cosmo article, and I'm deeply sorry for that.
Dear Looking for a Future,
Oh, man, what a great question. Excuse me while I take my head out of my ass long enough to try to answer it. I know where this guy's coming from, and it's not so weird if you're a guy, but you are so persuasive in your letter ... Well, that's just like a woman, isn't it, to make so much goddam sense that you begin to think maybe you should just put your head back up in your ass where it belongs and stop trying to reason with her!
Anyway, he's probably a very bright guy, right? And principled? And all those other things you love about him? But what is this craziness about? I think you've got him on the ropes and he's struggling to keep his balance. See, as guys we are taught to fight our emotions with everything we've got and not to ever let them affect our decisions. Pure logic, that's our thing. But if he is struggling, if he actually used the phrase "absolutely critical" and said he's actively trying to eliminate you from the decision-making process, he's obviously got it bad. He's nuts about you. This is his way of showing it. Because being nuts about you, for him, is a weakness to be countered with massive logic. He's a goner. He could no more make a rational decision right now than a worm could juggle. The only point to all this, and it's a backward tribute to you, is that he's struggling so hard to remain rational and dispassionate precisely because he's head over heels in love with you.
That's not to say that his own gambit won't backfire. He may cogitate himself right out of a girlfriend. It wouldn't be the first time. I think you just have to let his wheels whir and his circuits hum and hope he spits out a logical answer, like "Let's look at some houses. They have some nice ones in Berkeley."
Dear Cary,
This is about sex, bonding with oxytocin and the single girl. I'm a 33-year-old female who's looking for two things: first and primarily, a loving connection with a man who I can make a life with or, in the interim, an attractive man who will fill me up with passionate rolls in the hay. Now, I know that my desire for sexual connection and my desire for intimacy are essentially the same thing -- which causes "the Problem."
To counteract this conflict I've considered using a rule from "the Rules" where I should wait at least 30 days to have sex with a man I am seriously attracted to. The object being that I can get to know them better, we can bond through shared activities and conversation, not sex. Letting the sexual tension ferment into a full-bodied and well-deserved bonding.
Recently I met a man who has my socks rolling up and down. I find him adorable and have a Big Crush on him. We've shared six dates in a three-week period and he keeps calling me back. (And I have to keep dodging my brain, which keeps screaming "Marriage! Kids! Family!") This is great, yet I deliciously caved in on the third date and went to bed with him. Now, I have these two desires: I am crazy about him and crazy for sex with him.
Have I blown it? How is a man motivated once he gets a woman he's attracted to in bed? Does having sex early ruin the chances for a more serious relationship? My 30-day rule seems to mitigate the possibility of a man just "getting into my pants" because they reveal their true colors by not waiting, but I don't have this gauge anymore.
Smitten, Sex Craving and Earnestly Desiring a Lifelong Companion
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