Couples counseling

Dear Cary,

I've been with my boyfriend for more than two years. We are in a blissful, so-in-love relationship, but it hasn't always been like that. Just six months ago we "broke up" for a month (and this was the only time in the two years we'd dated that we've gone more than two days without speaking). He eventually came around and declared his undying love and commitment. I took him back and now (six months later) everything is great.

So why the letter? Well, I have a little secret that I haven't told him. I got breast implants and didn't tell him when I had them done (I said the pills I was taking made them grow; somehow he believed me). Now I'm stuck and don't know how to tell him. I already told him I didn't and the only reason I don't want to is that I'm embarrassed. I haven't even told my extended family. I'm not a shallow, self-involved (or body-obsessed) kind of girl. I've always been honest with my boyfriend and everything. Is not telling him this a really deceitful thing? How should I approach him? Please help.

Late Bloomer

Dear Late Bloomer,

The purpose of breast implants is to create an illusion, and illusion only works if the mechanics are hidden. So if you tell him, you destroy the illusion, and you've wasted your money. Now, if he feels the implants with his hands and asks you point-blank, I guess the jig is up. Once he's seen the wires suspending the woman in the air, the illusion is shattered, and there's no sense lying at that point.

But lying in the service of a diverting illusion is different from lying under oath in a court of law, or lying about whether you've been sleeping with his best friend. Illusion is theater in which the audience colludes. He wants to believe in the illusion of your breasts. The audience colludes with the performer. You're not doing him any favors by destroying the illusion you've created.

If your head is troubled by the social, political and economic reasons women trade in appearance, you may have been conflicted about performing this particular illusion from the start, and that may be why you feel bad about lying. But if you're going to trade in illusion, you have to be comfortable with the necessary deception.

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