Couples counseling

Should I get pregnant? Can I forgive my husband? Do I tell my boyfriend I have breast implants? And why does one of us have to have a cock to be married?

By Cary Tennis

May 7, 2002 | Dear Cary,

I've been married two years to my husband, the kindest soul I know. He's the kind of guy who will gently capture dozens of ants a day that have strayed into our kitchen and release them outdoors. He thanks telemarketers for their calls after patiently explaining why he can't accept their offers. He worries that he should put a little money aside for his elder brother, the lawyer, in case he wants to go into academia. So basically, the guy I married is a doll, and he loves me and treats me like a queen.

But a couple of months before our wedding, when the economy and stock market were still booming, he made a big mistake that no one was able to talk him out of. He decided to quit his job in finance and devote himself to managing his sudden stock market fortune. Within weeks, his fortune had turned into debt. Now, for two years he's been in debt and unable to find a job.

My problem is this. Nature's calling me to get pregnant and have a baby. If we're going to have the kids we want with the spacing between them that I want, we're cutting it close even if we get started right away. I know my husband will make a devoted father, but it would hurt his pride to start a family before he's found work, and it would be a lot of pressure on him. I don't think money per se is a huge problem since I have a job. But the thing that makes me nervous is that once he finally does get a job offer, the odds are very high that we'll have to move -- who knows when or where. We may need to be separated for a while, and if all this happens while I'm in my third trimester or have a newborn on my hands, I think I'll be a whimpering, nervous mess.

What do you advise? Heed nature's call and assume everything will work out eventually, wait for life to sort itself out first or tell my husband to go live with his lawyer brother and stop living off my dole?

Just About Had It

Dear Had It,

I would suggest that you go ahead and start trying to get pregnant, let him continue his job search, but make this ironclad agreement: Once you get pregnant, if he hasn't found a job yet, he either stays at home with the kid or takes a job that doesn't require you to move. That way you'll have some stability.

But your last line troubles me. It sounds like you're genuinely quite angry with your husband. If his decision to quit his job is part of a pattern of sudden, ill-considered moves, you may have to rethink your whole plan. Being kind to ants and telemarketers is fine, but if you and the children are going to feel secure, you need to know that he's not going to be making these sudden, ill-considered decisions for the next 40 years. You must be sure he can keep an agreement. Think this over carefully. If he's incorrigibly flighty, you're looking for trouble.

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