Strange declarations

Dear Cary,

I'm a smart and attractive 22-year-old college senior at a prestigious school. About a year and a half ago, I began a sexual relationship with a friend of mine. I'll call him Pete. The only problem with this relationship was that Pete had recently moved in with his girlfriend Mary. There is no excuse for my participating in his infidelity, but all I can say for myself is that I had very low self-esteem at the time. Pete paid attention to me. He took risks for me. In short, I was important to him. But then I started realizing that Mary was more important to him. She was the woman he chose to stay with, after all.

After several months, Mary found out about our affair. I was relieved that it was out in the open -- the secrecy had begun to take a toll on me. But I was devastated when I had to face the fact that I had participated in hurting someone very, very deeply. Pete and I decided to stop seeing each other, and Mary agreed to try to work things out with him. It was, after all, only a physical relationship. I had begun to develop feelings for him, but I pretended that they didn't exist. I wanted to be around him and was afraid that bringing feelings into it would scare him away.

It was not too long after that when Pete approached me to begin seeing him again. Having begun to develop feelings for him (not to mention a very strong sexual attraction), I hesitantly agreed. It was on-again, off-again until he and Mary finally ended their relationship and she moved out. Pete and I have been seeing each other intermittently since then (about six months). Pete still requests, however, that we keep our relationship a secret. I understood this request at first. I, too, wanted to avoid causing Mary further pain. But it has been six months.

I like the fact that we have our own little universe that no one else intrudes upon. But keeping a relationship secret is tiring, and I am growing weary. I have asked Pete to compromise with me. I told him that at this point there should be no reason to keep this a secret unless he feels that something is wrong with our relationship. But he assures me that there is nothing wrong, he just wants to keep things the way they are. He's afraid that other people's knowledge will adversely affect what we have. Cary, is this a load of crap? He knows my feelings for him. At times he has been open with me regarding his feelings towards me; at other times he seems as though he only is with me for the sex. Should I give him more time or move on?

In Love and in Hiding

Dear in Hiding,

So what "other people" do you assume are the ones whose "knowledge will adversely affect what we have"? It wouldn't be Mary, would it? Would she knife him if she found out that he's still seeing you secretly? And, of course, he hasn't told you he's still seeing Mary, has he? He wouldn't want to "cause you further pain" or "scare you away," would he?

You remind me of Brigitte O'Shaughnessy in "The Maltese Falcon." You're good, you're very good. You and your gang are all snowing each other but cloaking it in high-minded concern for each other's feelings. This must be what the conservative culture critics mean when they say situational ethics and relativism. Fuzzy weird bullshit.

He's with you for the sex. And you're with him for the sex. Call Mary and ask her if she's seen him lately.

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