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Sunday, Nov 22, 2009
Dear Cary,
I'm a 39-year-old woman with many interpersonal issues, mainly byproducts of a fairly emotionally destructive home life, but to this day I struggle. My biggest trouble usually comes in the form of work relationships.
At my last job I was the lone person not invited to parties by my co-workers, and though there was a pretty huge age gap (they were all in their mid- to late-twenties) I felt extremely hurt not to be included in the after-work drinks, the offsite birthday parties, and so on.
As a child, I was ostracized by my family for being the creative one, my brothers and sister refused to spend any time with me, and my mother bitched if she had to take me to any of the awards ceremonies across the state. My father was largely absent. Although he discouraged my artistic endeavors, his memory is that he was a loving father who praised my work. Unfortunately, it was never within earshot.
I've been in therapy eight years, and while in some ways I've improved, I frequently feel as though things are moving too slowly. She won't let me try any antidepressants because she says if we don't fix the core problem we'll just be putting a bandage on something that needs surgery.
I'd like at some point to be able to develop loving relationships with the people around me, but I always find a way to sabotage things because I get scared (terrified, in her words) of getting too close to people. I become hypercritical of anyone who deigns to spend time with me. I keep hoping I'll get things right -- not give in to the fear of people and drive them away -- but the same thing happens every time. I do have a very small circle of friends, which I guess is all any of us can ask for, but I feel that I need more life in my life.
How do I break this cycle?
Wishful Thinking
Dear Wishful Thinking,
The way you break a cycle is you break one behavior in it. Say you always snort with derision when someone mentions James Michener. Then you pick that one behavior and make a decision that next time someone mentions James Michener or pulls out a James Michener book, you are not going to snort with derision. You wait for your chance. You're in a café with artists all around you. In their bags are books by Derrida, Foucault, Breton, Gide, Gogol. Across from you the pretty young blonde pulls from her bag "The Source." The beginnings of a derisive snort well up within you like a sneeze. It's so powerful. But you don't snort. You turn the snort into a neutral, unconcerned glance. You glance at the book and glance away. And you silently congratulate yourself on performing an anonymous act of kindness. Later, you accept the gold for a great personal victory.
That's how you break the cycle. One behavior at a time.
Dump the therapist. Eight years is too long. What the hell core problems could you not have gotten to in eight years? Are you depressed? If you're depressed and she won't give you antidepressants, go see a psychiatrist.
