Strange declarations

Dear Cary,

You know all those letters sent to advice columnists from folks in their late teens or early twenties where the writers talk about how they've never been in a relationship, never kissed another person, never been in love, and they're scared half to death that they'll be like that for the rest of their lives? The advice is usually the same -- just be yourself, you'll meet someone special, it will happen.

When I was in my early twenties, I was in the same position as those letter writers. I had never been in a relationship, never even been out on a date. Now I'm 31, and I'm still there.

OK, that's not quite true. I have been on a few dates, all within about six months. But it's now been a year since that happened. I dated four women (none at the same time). I didn't see any of them for more than a few weeks. I broke it off with one, and the other three said, "Let's just be friends" after three or four dates. None of the dates went any further than dinner and a movie, and maybe a little kissing (so that did happen after all).

Here's the thing: On none of those dates did I enjoy myself at all. In fact, I was pretty miserable. I tried to put a good face on things, since I was the one who asked them out, and I tried to "tough it out" with three of them on the grounds that maybe it was just my complete inexperience screwing things up, and that once I got in the swing I'd enjoy going out. I know this was unfair to them, but I was hoping this unsociability wouldn't last. But it has. I do want to be in a relationship, I do want to care about someone (and have them care about me) and I understand it's not all wine and roses; you have to put work and effort into it.

So I tried to figure out who I was looking for, and the answer I got was, "I have no idea; not a single clue." I try to picture a "dream date," or life as a married man, and I can't call up any images beyond snippets of movies and other caricatures of life. I now dread the idea of going out, and even though I'm very lonely (I have few friends and no social life), I'm instantly turned off whenever the opportunity arises to make a date with someone. Note I said "opportunity," not desire. I've never been in love, I've never had a crush on anyone (male or female), and I've never met anyone I was seriously attracted to.

If it seems like I'm going all over the place, I'm sorry, but it's a pretty good picture of my mental state. Sometimes I feel the answer is right under my nose, but I just don't know what to do.

Falling and I Can't Get Up

Dear Falling,

The important thing is to be a part of a community, to have people who care about you. If I were you, I would concentrate on strengthening the friendships I have. Value them deeply and work on them. You don't have to go on dates if you don't enjoy it. And take this to heart: You don't have to have what you don't want.

Because never having had a crush sounds so unusual to me, however, I would recommend seeing a doctor to find out if you have a very low level of testosterone. If you knew the chemical and biological facts, that would provide a factual basis for further speculation.

You're not terribly unhappy, but you seem to think there's some role you're supposed to be playing. You know how sometimes you feel the answer is right under your nose? It is. This is your life. Live it and cherish it as it is. And if you don't have a girlfriend, work on your friendships, because in the long run, community is priceless, and isolation is a terrible fate.

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